Lobo Lobo Whatzapped

Updated: Nov 03, 2019, 07:28 IST | Rahul da Cunha | Mumbai

If I thought that Lobo Lobo's tirade had ended, I was mistaken

Illustration/Uday Mohite
Illustration/Uday Mohite

RahulLobo Lobo came over post-Diwali, steam coming out of his ears . "What Dikuna men, bleddy. I'm damn irritated chhe! All dese blinking gas cylinder blokes, security watchmen, postmen, liftmen, all bleddy giving dat broad smile, one week befoe Diwali, den on de day itself "Sahib Diwali bakshish", and den oof, ow dere attitude changes after Bhau Beej men! Can't get dem to help, can't get a smile out of dem. Till next Diwali, chhe."

If I thought that Lobo Lobo's tirade had ended, I was mistaken.

"Dat's not all men, chhe!"

"So what else pi**es you off, Lobo Lobo?"

"Let me share wid you sum more toughts. Let's talk about dat dam nuisance of Whatsapp messages dat peepul send during de festival season. Just dis last week men, do you know how many pichures of diyas I have received on my Whatsapp? Do you? Arre Mr Rahul, just take my building men, we have a blinking building Whatsapp group!"

"That's nice, right? Everyone can chat about shared concerns…"

"All bunkus men. Everyone only fights. But wot wot messages and graphics are sent on Diwali. It's as if all de nonsense dat happens trough de year should be forgotten suddenly! Dere's my idiot neighbour Mr Janak Topiwalla, he sends a graphic wid many diyas against a black background and de accompanying message, 'May the light shine in the darkest places.' Arrey dat fool keeps his kitchen light on all night because he wants to scare off robbers, dat blinking tubelight shines into my face whole night, I can't bleddy sleep. Den one more fool, lives in de flat above me, Digambar Dasgupta is his name. Dere is leakage from his bathroom into my ceiling, dripping into my living room, and he has de cheek to send a Whatsapp greeting: 'I wish you peace that lights you up inside out'. What 'inside out'? My blooming walls are soaking wet, inside and outside! One more rascal, the building secretary Papoo Solanki, tinks he's a writer also, shameless fellow, he Whatsapps, 'May the wick of wickedness burn under the fire of truth'. De trut is he is a wicked person! De bugger has 'kabzaoed' all de society funds for his own purpose, he has built a staircase straight from his penthouse directly to de building terrace, men!"

Lobo Lobo took a small break for breath.

"And Dikuna men, just wait, Christmas is round de corner, de messages will begin in a month. Dere will be Santa Clauses in Small, Large, XL and XXL, and reindeers and stockings and Christmas trees, and dey will come from my bleeding relatives. For example, my paternal uncle, Constantinople Lobo, will send a sugary, 'May your home be filled with health and wealth'. Dat tief wants to 'steal' my family property in Vasai."

"So what do you plan to do, Theo?"

"Dress up as Joaquin Phoenix's Joker, go to his house at 4 am, ring de doorbell, and wish him a belated 'Happy Halloween'!"

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