Mr P & Mr K

So, two stony-faced officials showed up at my door u00c3u00a2u00c2u0080u00c2u0094 a week after the Pulwama attacks

Illustration/Uday Mohite

So, two stony-faced officials showed up at my door — a week after the Pulwama attacks. "Yes", I asked, "And who are you two gentlemen?"

One said, "I am Mr P," the other stated, "I am Mr K." In unison they said, "We are from a specially created cell called 'Pak', a division of RAW."

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"Oh! Okay. You mean, RAW as in Research and Analysis Wing?"

"No. RAW as in Retaliate Attack War."

"Got it. And, I'm guessing, 'Pak' is short for Pakistan."

"We are not at liberty to say, but as officials of the newly formed 'Pak' cell, we have a specific function."

"And what is that function?"

"We are to remove any articles in your residence or your person that are called 'Pak' or have the word 'Pak' in them."

"I feel, to the best of my Thesaurus knowledge, there is no word like 'Pak' in the English or Hindi dictionary," I argued.

Mr P said, "It doesn't have to be an independent word. Even if 'Pak' is part of a longer word, it is valid, and has to be deleted from your life."

"Give me an example," I challenged.

Mr K said, "What are those smells that are emanating from your kitchen?"

"Um, those are 'pakoras' frying…" I said.

"See, the word 'pakoras' has 'Pak' in it. From today, no more 'pakoras' in your home!" I went to the kitchen and told the cook: "Minu, aaj se, pakoras mat pakao."

"Again! You did it again. You used another word with 'Pak' in it. 'Pakao'. From today you cannot use 'pakao," instructed Mr P.

"So how am I supposed to brief my cook?"

"We don't know that, our orders are simple."

Mr P said to me, "What is that bag?" pointing to my backpack.

Mr K said, "Ah, Mr P, that is a 'backpack', out it goes." I argued, "But 'backpack' is spelt 'pack'."

Mr P said, "In the US it is sometimes spelt as 'backpak'." In the meantime, the courier guy popped in. "Package sir."

Mr K stopped him. "Hey bhai saab, no more packages to be delivered here."

"Okay messrs P and K, all Pak related items have been extricated from my home, are you satisfied?" I asked.

"Not entirely," Mr P said. Mr K then removed a manual from his bag. "So, here goes... Some more rules. You cannot watch movies like Pakeezah, you're barred from playing Pac-man, you are banned from eating Pak-choi, you will discontinue any association with people called Deepak, you will not exercise your six packs, you will not grow Champak plants."

"Okay, gentlemen, I'm done. Leave me in peace. I have an idea for a Bollywood movie, based on this visit."
"Are we in it and what's it called?" they asked excited.

"It's about two aliens who come to my house. It's called P 'n' K."

Rahul da Cunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at
rahuldacunha62@gmail.com

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