Rahul da Cunha: Blackbuck Zinda Hai!

Apr 08, 2018, 06:10 IST | Rahul Da Cunha

And so, in the forests of Jodhpur there once lived a beautiful blackbuck

Illustration/Uday Mohite
Illustration/Uday Mohite

Rahul da CunhaAnd so, in the forests of Jodhpur there once lived a beautiful blackbuck. Her name was Katrina. Her horns were perfectly manicured, and her lips, naturally bee-stung. But she hated being called by her scientific name — "Why are we called 'blackbucks' especially in a country like India that has a history of demonetisation and Swiss Bank accounts?" she complained to her friends at her 'bucky' parties ('bucky' parties being the equivalent of 'kitties'). "Plus, we are an endangered species, why couldn't we be named something exotic like the 'Jodhpur Gazellica Antellopica'?"

In spite of all these thorny issues, Katrina enjoyed her life in the forests of Jodhpur. She would frolic around in the sun, and dance to such popular tracks as 'Chingar ko bhadke' and 'Doe A Deer, A Female Deer' — after all, she was the chosen one when it came to item numbers for the Discovery Channel and Nat Geo. She was friends with other animals in the forests like Varun and Ranveer, the chimpanzees.

But one night, her happiness was cut short — some cruel men came to Jodhpur, blindfolded and kidnapped Katrina, taking her away to a dark foreign land. She begged the men to let her go, "Please please, kind sirs, Be Human!" she exclaimed. The men scoffed at her and said disdainfully, "Hah, go tell that to your Bhai!"

Katrina was frightened, all she could hear through the blindfolds were two sentences, constantly repeated — "Unka Bhai kabhi nahin aayega" and "Yeh 'Being Human' kya hota hai?"

The forests of Jodhpur were not the same again without Katrina. All the animals slowly began to leave Jodhpur in twos in an ark. And, then, one day, a Tiger came to the forests of Jodhpur — mind you, this was no ordinary Tiger. Sure he had stripes and four limbs, but he walked on his two hind legs, with the two front legs outstretched like a bodybuilder. He was a superhero Tiger. He could drive SUVs without physically being behind the wheel, he could fire machine guns, he could mistreat tigresses, but they always loved him. And, everywhere he went, the echo of 'Bhai' followed him and an accompanying song that sounded like 'Swag ke Swagat'.

All of Katrina's friends from the 'bucky parties' enveloped him one day and, said, fluttering their eyelashes, "Please, please Tigerji, our Katrina has been kidnapped. Only a Tiger like you can save her!"

Tiger swung into action. He recruited the services of another tiger called Shroff and they went to the dark foreign land and saved Katrina. Having returned Katrina safely back to the forests of Jodhpur, all the 'buckies' were thrilled. Katrina looked dolefully into Tiger's eyes and asked, "Will you be staying, kind Sir Tiger?" "No Katrina, I have to return to another mission. And I would request you to call me by my new code name — ISIS."

"What does ISIS stand for?" Katrina asked Tiger" "It's 'I Salman, I Salman'," he concluded.

Rahul da Cunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahuldacunha62@gmail.com

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