Rahul Da Cunha: Break ke baad

Published: 19 November, 2017 06:37 IST | Rahul Da Cunha | Mumbai

So, dear reader, I'm sorry to inform you, I'm taking a break from writing this week. Why?

So, dear reader, I'm sorry to inform you, I'm taking a break from writing this week. Why? Well, there's nothing to write about. Okay… maybe there is… but what do I write about that's new to you? You're aware of everything that's going on in the world, yes? Take Mr SLB… that's Sanjay Leela Bad Luck. He is having a hard time getting his film Padma-wait-i released. Apparently he's distorted history - everyone from the Hindi Belt is pi**ed off that Ranveer Singh had a dream about Deepika Padukone in 1540. My point is why shouldn't he… I mean, he and Dippy are an item, for crying out aloud. Whether in the 16th century or the present, that's their business if they wish to dream about each other. But no… a small but powerful political outfit called the WHAHOTRPSWCDWWWS (We Have A Hold Over The Ruling Party So We Can Do What We Want Sena) are burning down posters and uprooting seats in Uttar Pradesh multiplexes.

Illustration/Uday Mohite
Illustration/Uday Mohite

Another sidey but ambitious set-up from Rajasthan called AKKDNS (Aur Kuch Kaam Dhandha Nahin Sangh), have erected effigies of the director and are throwing darts at it. In another bizarre incident in Jaipur, all of Ranveer Singh's costumes were torched by arsonists - the sets and costumes of the other members of the cast were untouched. The group claiming responsibility was the WWOFMOFM (We Want Our Five Minutes Of Fame Mahasabha). Except it was found that the real perpetrators weren't them, but the WHRSOB (We Hate Ranveer Singh's Outfits Brigade). If sources are to be believed, this terrorist designer group is funded by Deepika's father, former badminton great, Prakash Padukone. The legend apparently said in a statement, "I'm as liberal as the next guy, but to see my daughter dating a guy who wears yellow pants and Elton John goggles is too much for me. Suppose they get married, and he dresses like Allauddin Khilji at his own wedding?"

I mean, dear reader, you know all this so why write about it? There were other issues, I thought of writing about but didn't - like many Indian 'film festival' movies have run into trouble with titles such as 'Guardians of the Galaxy - Ayodhya' and 'The Appetite of Kumbakarna' - the director of the latter tried to argue that his is a 'rood' film ('rood' is a new genre of road-cum-food movie) about a man called Kumbakarna, who travels around India searching for the perfect biryani. But protesters are not convinced. Then there's the issue of 'molesters', who are tumbling out of the cupboard. Kevin Spacey's out. Dustin Hoffman's out. Brett Ratner's out. Louis CK's out. Steven Segal's out. Chalo, let's wager, who's next? My guess is it's Mel Gibson next. And, boy, if the spotlight turned to Bollywood and the casting couch, guess who all will be exposed. But, you know all about that, yes? So, anyway, I'm out of here, dear reader. I'm hopeful that something will come up in the next week for me to write about. Maybe Vidya Balan playing a Radio Jockey. Ciao.

Rahul da Cunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahuldacunha62@gmail.com

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