Rahul da Cunha: Finding NiMo

Mar 04, 2018, 06:05 IST | Rahul Da Cunha

And so, Donald Trump, said, "I would have run into the Florida school classroom without a gun."

Illustration/Uday Mohite
Illustration/Uday Mohite

Rahul da CunhaAnd so, Donald Trump, said, "I would have run into the Florida school classroom without a gun." There is many a slip between cup and lip regarding this statement, a White House source revealed, "Our US Prezzie has wearied of his two jobs — real estate mogulhood and ruling America. In fact, he has always been fascinated by the silver screen ever since one of his heroes Ronald Reagan went from cowboy to CEO, USA."

"I wanna be a yuuuge action star!" Trump was quoted as having told a Spanish immigrant, Antonio Banderas. Apparently, Mr Trump has been in talks with Lighthouse Pictures (Sylvester Stallone has cut ties with The Expendables franchise, citing creative differences). "Don will lead the cast of The Expendables 4, scheduled to be shot this year," a Lighthouse executive stated.

With Stallone's exit, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jet Li, Jason Statham, Chuck Norris, and Dolph Lungren have all left. Trump confidently told the studio, that he had an alternative cast. "Who needs celluloid action heroes with cellulite, like Arnie, when I have the real thing at my fingertips — in my film, all the action stars will be played by real world leaders — awesome right?" "Who is the cast?" he was asked at an OPEC (Our Power-packed Expendables Cast) press conference.

"Obviously, as leader of the free world, I play Sly Stallone's role. Jet Li's character will be replaced by North Korea's Kim Jung Un. We need a shaven headed, six pack abs, martial artist, who rides a horse, bare-bodied, to take the place of Jason Statham — who better than my buddy, Russia's Vladmir Putin? Justin Trudeau will play a Sardar prince-cum-warrior. China's Xi Jinping and Turkey's Racip Erdoyan will play the two antagonists. Syria's Bashar-al Assad is a possible Expendable. Some yesteryear stalwarts who might join us are both George Jr, Robert Mugabe and Muammar Gadaffi."

"Isn't Gadaffi dead?" he was asked "Obviously to be in my film, he will rise from the dead. Gadaffi can do anything, bro." So what's the story all about, Trump was asked. "Okay so the film is called The Expendables 4 — Finding NiMo. It will have two schedules — one in India, the second in Davos."

"In my screenplay, us mercenaries are given a specific mission. A high profile, socialite jeweller commits a major fraud, to the tune of almost $1.8 billion and flees his country. We parachute into several diamond showrooms seeking to unearth clues. Then, the action moves to Davos where we finally track him. The highlight of the film is an item number by Britain's Theresa May, called 'Take my pounds I'll give you Pence'."

Trump was asked the obvious question — "Sir if the film is set in India, why isn't Prime Minister Modi one of your Expendables?"

"No way dude, NaMo and I will be driving two Harley Davidsons across the UK in the next installment, The Expendables 5: Does Mallya have the Maal?" he concluded.

Rahul da Cunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahuldacunha62@gmail.com

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