So, Lobo Lobo came over on Valentine's Day
Illustration/Uday Mohite
So, Lobo Lobo came over on Valentine's Day. "Happy V Day men," he said, attempting a Heath Ledger's Joker smile from The Dark Knight. 'Uhm… Lobo Lobo, you're a guy and I'm a guy. And, usually, two guys… uhm… shouldn't be wishing each other… uhm happy Valentine's Day."
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"Arre, what men, on Facebook so many duffers are even wishing dere blinking pet poodles Happy V Day. Dere are no rules anymore, so it's ok," Lobo Lobo said, smiling like Jim Carrey in Ace Ventura Pet Detective. "Accha Mr Rahul, I just came back from Goa men." "It must have been relaxing, yes?" 'No men, chhe! It was total bunkus. Full rubbish. See, tell me, men, what is Goa known for? Tell me."
I attempted to answer, "Uhm for me, it's about…" "Arre men, what you're tinking so much? It is famous for BBB&B! What does BBB&B stand for, you'll aks me? See, B for Beer, B for Beach and B&B is Beer on de beach. Den de Goa CM tells us, no drinking in de outdoors in Goa. Wot he means! You can't drink beer on the beach? Chhe! But den it gets worse! Just last week he says he 'fears women drinking beer'. Not men, huh! Only women. Wot does he expect dem to do? So, my daughters Blossom and Petunia were sitting in one beach shack…" "You have a daughter named Petunia, Lobo Lobo?"
"Yes Petunia… it's a flower, men. We have many flowers names in de family. Rose, Gardenia and Chrysanthemum are all my cousins. Anyway, don't interrupt men. So, what was I saying… Yes! My Blossom and Petunia, were sitting in one beach shack with some boys, nice boys, huh, Ansel and his brudder, Savio, dere from our side only, Virar. So dis shack is called Tsunami Bar and Restaurant, in Asagaon, wot wot rawa fried prawns dey serve men… anyway dey are chilling men, and out of de blue one official type comes upto dem — just like dat — and blinking rascal and says, 'Hey ladis wadis ko alcoholic beverages nahin peena chahiye. Soft drinks chalega, beer nahin'."
"Dat Ansel fellow is a bodybuilder like Arnold Shwartzenegger, Mr Virar tree years in a row. So, he tells dat fellow to buzz off or he'll show him proper. Wot is our country coming to, Mr Rahul?" Lobo Lobo paused for breath. I thought I would change the topic. "So, Lobo, have you bought your wife Myrtle any diamonds lately from Nirav Modi?"
"Arre men! On my salary I can barely afford false diamonds from Ulhasnagar. Wot wot 'bahadurii' dat jeweller has shown. How it is possible to take a loan of eleven tousand tree hundred crores men, and nutting happens to you. I once took a loan of two lakhs for my Violet, I couldn't pay it, so de bank took her back!"
"Violet, that's another daughter of yours?" "No men, Violet is my 100 cc Royal Enfield motorcycle!"
Rahul da Cunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahuldacunha62@gmail.com
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