Rahul da Cunha: Lobo Lobo and Padmavati

Updated: 26 November, 2017 06:28 IST | Rahul Da Cunha | Mumbai

So, being technologically-challenged, I made the mistake of calling my cable operator Lobo Lobo for some advice

So, being technologically-challenged, I made the mistake of calling my cable operator Lobo Lobo for some advice. "Mr Lobo, can I get Netflix on my regular cable?' "No men." "Okay, is it a wifi issue, do I need a Chrome thingy or an Apple TV?" "It's a long story men, can't explain like dis on de phone, Mr Rahul, I'll have to come over."
"No, no worries. Don't bother coming over, I'll figure it out, connect with you later," I attempted.

"I'll see you tomorrow," Lobo Lobo said decisively. And, so there he was, bright the next morning. "So Mindhunters, Game of Trones, House of blinking Cards is of course scrapped because of dat blighter Kevin doing some hanky panky. What you want to see, men?" "I'd like to see Padmavati get a non-violent release," I said flippantly. "What men, what rubbish men, all dis nonsense about Padmavati, Mr Rahul," he started as the tornado began its devastating swirl at my doorstep. "Dese peepul, dey want to cut off Deepika Padukone's nose men. What is dis? And dey are offering anyone R5 crores! Is dis anyway to behave for dese netas?" "Yeah, if Dippy wanted to get a nose job done, there are easier and cheaper ways, I'd imagine," I said attempting to joke.

Illustration/Uday Mohite

"Dis no laughing matter, men. Do you know what celeb botox-wotox chappies dere are charging dese days?" "Uh it was a joke, Mr Lobo." "Do you see me guffawing, sir? Dere is one more barbarian, he is saying, R10 crores to anyone to behead dat fellow Bhansali. See if you want to cut off his head, dey should have done it for some of his previous films, men. Like I wanted to do it for dat, whatistaname, dat piccher where Shahrukh plays dat drunk chappie… Haan! Devdas. But dis is no way."
The typhoon stopped momentarily.

"What's do you feel will happen now, Mr Lobo?" I asked, realising that this Catlick cable guy from Virar was more entertainment than Netflix and Amazon together could ever hope to provide. Free of cost. "Arre! What to say men. Dey are saying dat no Rajput queen ever danced in front of anyone — what about Rani Mukerji? So now dat Simi Garebal will make Bhansali meet some influential Rani, dey will remove dis dream sequence and de movie will release, it will make R200 crores, de nose cutters and beheaders will go back to dere mundane lives, dere five minutes of fame will be over. Den dey will wait for when Anurag Kashyap next makes a film of about Naxals and dey will spring back into action men, burning effigies of him and some people will chant slogans outside his Yari Road house!"

The smoke had died down, as Lobo Lobo paused for breath, but I wasn't done. "Lobo Lobo, what do you feel about Haryana producing a Miss World?" "All bunkus, de best girls are from our side, men. My own daughter, five years she's been selected Miss Virar. And my Myrtle, always wins Mrs Virar! Too good."

Rahul da Cunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahuldacunha62@gmail.com

First Published: 26 November, 2017 06:11 IST

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