Rahul da Cunha: Meet the Kohlis

Updated: Dec 17, 2017, 06:30 IST | Rahul Da Cunha

So, Signor Kohli and Signora Sharma-Kohli, congratulazioni per il tuo matrimonio - you know what that means, right, guys?

Rahul da CunhaSo, Signor Kohli and Signora Sharma-Kohli, congratulazioni per il tuo matrimonio — you know what that means, right, guys? That's Italian for… yeah you got it. You both are finally united under the Tuscan sun. While we rejoice with you, India's first couple, I have some comments on your holy matrimony.

Illustration/Uday Mohite
Illustration/Uday Mohite

Firstly, why wasn't I invited to the wedding? I kept asking you two, "When is the 'big day'?" No reply from either.

You Virat, who shows so much emotion on the cricket field, big eyes at your fielders when they drop a catch, sledging the Aussies back, you showed me a poker face. And Anushka, who expresses more on your face than most of your contemporaries, looked blankly back at me. See, I was a prime candidate to be invited to your Sienna shaadi.

Virat, I have watched every match of yours, even when your critics said you're not in Sachin's class, that you have a problem outside the off stump, I still defended you. And Anushka, so much derision after the When Harry met Sejal bad Gujju accent fiasco, I still said she is our best actress. Tell me, do you have a bigger fan?

Secondly, I told you guys time and again that I have a no expiry date on my Schengen visa. Also, crucially I have never been to Tuscany. I would have even paid for my own airfare and accommodation — I just wanted to take a

selfie with you guys. Still,

no invitation.

Okay, now to some general purpose comments:

Like, when does a power couple get a joint name? Brangelina began the trend and you two have been jointly named Virushka. Why, for instance, aren't George Clooney and Amal Alamuddin called Cloonuddin? Or Uma Thurman and Ethan Hawke, Umahawke. Saif's parents could have cutely been Manmila or Patgore. Azharuddin and Sangeeta Bijlani, Azhlani, and Yuvraj and Hazel, Yuvzel.

Ranveer Singh and Deepika Padukone, if they stick it out post Padmavati, will become Ranvika or VeerDeep or Ranukone.

Anyway, it seems you guys are moving into your new Worli home. Unfortunately, it's at the turn into the sea link. Oh boy! It's bad enough trying to get past the crowds outside Bachchan's home in Juhu and Bhai's Galaxy Apartments in Bandra. They can now get two for the price of one – and I will never get to the sea link on time.

But, I will say one thing. I have never seen a wedding picture of a bridegroom looking as happy as the bride. Usually the bridegroom looks a tad gloomy, already thinking of all the money he has to earn to send his kids to foreign university. The bride beams blushingly at least till the honeymoon is over. Dude and dudette Kohli, you both look equally over the moon.

Chalo all is forgiven. I'll celebrate your wedding photos on Instagram. I'll drive past your Worli home and wave along with the crowds. And will request Yashraj to make a film called Band Baaja Virat.

Rahul da Cunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahuldacunha62@gmail.com

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