Psychotherapist Nupur Dhingra Paiva on how parents' love is essential for kids

Nupur Dhingra Paiva with daughters Tara 9 and Isabelle 6 PicShadab KhanWhen fiveyearold Armaan walked into child psychotherapist Nupur Dhingra Paivas clinic her impression about the kid whose shoulders were hunched over was that he was weighed down by something significant Armaans mother would later tell her how he felt unloved wanted to run away from home and even shoot himself But it wasnt until Armaans father joined the therapist and his wife for chat an hour later that Paiva noticed something alter in the child The kid slowly crawled into his fathers lap and curled up there like a little prawn Paiva recounted That the child was craving for his dads attention was a givenVignettes like these form the crux of Paivas new book Love and Rage The Inner Worlds of Children Yoda Press where she breaks down conversations she has had in her healing room with both parents and children to reiterate how love and affection is central to influencing a childs personality I felt an urgent need to communicate with the world that what comes into our consulting room is not crazy or bizarre it is the stuff of ordinary life ordinary conflicts struggles and joys And that mental health distress in adolescence and adulthood is almost entirely based on early life experience from conception onwards says the Delhibased clinical psychologist of why she wrote the book Adults who are interacting with children as parents teachers or carers are sometimes far removed from the lived experience of the child They become task focussed and outcome oriented it becomes a lot about achievement growth and the end result of happiness she adds In doing so Paiva says that people forget that the growth of the personality is a complex slow process that needs nurturingHere Paiva who is also mother to two daughters offers an only lovenot rage guidegtgt It takes twoWhen a child is angry with one parent it helps to have an available alternative I have to add that I am not necessarily talking about the heteronormative two parents malefemale couple Children need a diversity of responsible caregivers someone who will take it upon themselves to keep the childs emotional needs in mind The role of mother and father is about a mental attitude the function they play for the child It does not have to be a biological parentgtgt We need daddyOften women find it difficult to let men get involved in caregiving tasks like feeding bathing and putting to sleep When a child has emotional access to their fathers the diversity of experience offers them a wider range of seeing how to live in the world because men and women live in the world quite differently Just as an involved father gives a son a sense of someone to look up to he gives a daughter an experience of being loved and valued something she will carry with herself into future relationships with mengtgt Prep for schoolThe first couple of years of kindergarten are not about learning shapes or the alphabet it is about learning to separate from home It is a physicalemotional wrench leaving safety and going to another space one that can be fun and engaging provided we can get over the fear of separating from the people we feel safe around Once children are helped to adapt to this huge change they can get on with learning Otherwise anxiety hampers learning for years afterwardsStart early with picture storybooks or perhaps even a visit to the school for the child to see what it looks like a month or so before the emotional temperature rises in April Be prepared for repetition for as every parent of a young child knows once is never enough Stories that matter the most must be repeated endlessly without variation so that they can sink in The story of how everyone leaves home and goes to school is of central emotional import In fact it is a rite of passagegtgt Play hardUsing our bodies is a release for everything anger anxiety and other feelings that get stuck in our muscles In the emphasis on growing childrens minds or getting them to finish homework and projects we forget about how important it is to be using their bodies Children are calmer and more attentive when they have had an experience of using their muscles in activity especially free playgtgt Its okay to cryNever tell a child not to cry All children cry for all sorts of things so it is important to first figure out what the crying is trying to communicate Simply telling a child to stop crying without first trying to understand what is under it will damage their relationship with you If the crying is because of sadness then telling them to stop crying is plain selfish We do it because we cant bear their expression of sadness It is far healthier to accept that they are sad and give them a hug This kind of acceptance lets them know that while nothing can be done about it at least their experience is being validated and acknowledgedgtgt Dont ignoreIgnoring feelings teaches your child that you dont particularly care for his feelings just his actions or hisher compliance This only ensures that the feelings will reappear in a form that is harder to link to its source In other words the child will use a defence in order to deal with a feeling and the anxiety its presence createsgtgt Keep it realI am not advising that people deny that they also can get angry with their children Only love is not a reality My aim is to be real with my relationships including my children So I freely express affection lots of hugs and physical warmth an hour at bedtime talking about their day and their worries I also freely express disapproval or annoyance I explain and negotiate As a result I have very opinionated children who are expressive and open including about their anger with me or their father We accept it as real and engage with it as much as is possible at the timeCatch up on all the latest Mumbai news current affairs from Mumbai local news crime news and breaking headlines hereDownload the new midday Android and iOS apps to get updates on all the 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