‘My kink is not your crime’

The recent CNN investigation into an ldquoonline rape academyrdquo where men allegedly coached others on how to drug and sexually assault their partners without consent has sent chills up everyonersquos spines globally It exposes how violence can be often intertwined with fantasy In such spaces what is being normalised as ldquorape fantasyrdquo bears no resemblance to what clinicians define as consensual nonconsent CNC mdash negotiated explicitly agreeduponroleplay rooted in trust and continuous consentWhile Indiaspecific data on rape fantasies is limited a nonfiction book Tell Me What You Want 2019 surveyed more than 4000 Americans revealing that 60 per cent of men report having had fantasies involving sexual coercion or forced sex But the distinction needs to be critical CNC begins with consent When consent is erased and acted upon it is no longer desireIt is violenceCNC is often misunderstood because people confuse it with violence when in reality it is ldquoessentially roleplayrdquo grounded in clear boundaries trust and explicit agreement Having practised CNC for years Rudra name changed explains that the term itself is relatively new in common conversations earlier many referred to it simply as ldquorape fantasyrdquo a phrase that he says dangerously distorts its meaning ldquoFor a layperson the understanding is that itrsquos probably to fetishise your fantasy to rape somebodyrdquo he says adding that this assumption erases the importance of consentPiciStock right Some posts on Reddit under threads about CNC PicsRedditWithin queer spaces where conversations around sexual freedom may be comparatively more open Rudra says CNC is understood as a negotiated dynamic ldquoYou need to have a clear conversation with your partner to begin with In some setups itrsquos also a written conversationrdquo he says He also stresses that consent cannot exist under the influence of alcohol or drugs ldquoIf anybody is under the influence of any substance consent dissolves there Thatrsquos where I draw the linerdquoFor Rudra CNCrsquos appeal lies in the mutually agreed power exchange where ldquothe dominance over your partner sexually gives you that extra kickrdquo but only when both partners remain safe and willing ldquoOnce when I used the safe word because I was exhausted my partner did not stoprdquo says Rudra ldquoNow I know that it was sexual abuse that was raperdquoCNC begins with consent and without that the act ceases to be fantasy and becomes abuse Assuming otherwise is dangerouslsquoWhatrsquos missing is intentrsquoCybercrime expert Ritesh Bhatia points out the lack of legal support in such casesWhen intimate content is shared digitally without consent the first step says Ritesh Bhatia is to establish traceability ldquoDo a Google reverse image search thatrsquos the best way to do itrdquo he suggests using tools like Google Lens to identify where images or videos may have surfacedHowever removal is far more complex Once uploaded ldquoBy the time you remove it from one platform it has gone to 4050 different websitesrdquo Legal recourse becomes essential often requiring court orders to prove violation of privacy mdash a process that can take months While technology exists Bhatia notes enforcement is slow ldquoWhatrsquos missing is intent There are few resources that have the right intent in the country especially with the amount of overwhelming cases and workrdquolsquoThere has to be written consent in BDSMrsquoFounder of The Coping Central and therapist Utkarsha Jagga talks about the importance of proper communication and consent in areas of BDSM and kinkFounder of mental healthcare organisation The Coping Central and therapist Utkarsha Jagga situates CNC within larger structures of gender and power cautioning that it cannot be viewed in isolation ldquoRape is also rooted in so much power and absolute abuse of physical sexual emotional boundariesrdquo she says adding that fantasies are shaped by the social contexts people inhabit ldquoWe really have to understand whose kink is it Where did you learn it What purpose should it be serving for yourdquo Within BDSM communities she notes CNC is carefully negotiated ldquoThere has to be a written sort of consent a set of ground rulesrdquo she explains stressing that without aftercare and prior discussion it can ldquovery simply just go into the territory of abuse and violencerdquoHaving worked on sexuality and pleasure Jagga also points to the varied motivations behind such fantasies from curiosity about surrender to deeper sometimes problematic dynamics shaped by desire or conditioning But concern arises when these patterns spill into everyday interactions For her ethical practice begins with conversation and gradual exploration ldquoYou have to start small With smaller conversations that then lead to bigger ideasrdquo At the same time she acknowledges limits within therapy itself choosing to step back if engagement risks enabling harm or violence ldquoI can choose to take a step back from it because I donrsquot want to enable any sort of violence to be reflected in my politics and practicerdquolsquoRape is the sexual expression of aggressionrsquoSexologist Dr Prakash Kothari explains that itrsquos not a crime to play out a rape fantasy under consentFrom a clinical lens Founder Head of the Department of Sexual Medicine at the King Edward Memorial Hospital and Seth Gordhandas Sunderdas Medical College in Mumbai Dr Prakash Kothari draws a sharp distinction between consentdriven kink and violence ldquoRape is not the expression of sexuality It is the sexual expression of aggressionrdquo he says underscoring that the absence of consent is what defines harm While consensual nonconsent may function as a negotiated ldquovarietyrdquo to enhance arousal he adds ldquohersquos taking consent I donrsquot think thatrsquos a crimerdquo He also points out that ldquoA good doctor should not impose his own values on the clientrdquoIn cases like socalled ldquorape academiesrdquo the issue he notes is not kink but the complete erasure of that conversation ldquoPeople think that they are carrying out a kink without consent for the kinkrdquo he saysOn whether rape fantasy can translate into abusive behaviour Kothari maintains that fantasies are common and often harmless as ldquofantasies are always more colourful than realityrdquo Clinical concern arises only when accompanied by deeper psychiatric indicators Crucially he emphasises fantasies may be ldquofakerdquo but the ethics of acting on them hinge entirely on consentlsquoCNC consensual nonconsent can involve nonsexual actsrsquoKink and sex educator and author Tanisha Rao draws a visual of what motivates a person to indulge in CNC and rape fantasyKink and sex educator and author of Yoursquore Somebodyrsquos Kink Tanisha Rao explains that consensual nonconsent CNC sits firmly within the broader BDSM framework but is often flattened by public discourse into something far more dangerous than it is ldquoCNC can involve nonsexual acts as wellrdquo she explains emphasising that every aspect of such a dynamic is prenegotiated In this context what is commonly referred to as a ldquorape fantasyrdquo is simply one form of CNCYet the phrase itself she notes has gained traction online without a deeper understanding of its implicationsPiciStockldquoThe idea is that sometimes a partner just wants to experience something that feels a little more animalistic Their partner is so driven by the attraction and desire that they would act entirely differentlyrdquo she says While for some this may intersect with past trauma and healing for many others it is about heightened intimacy adrenaline and the feeling of being deeply desiredRao points out that participation in CNC often stems from mutual trust rather than control alone ldquoIf yoursquore handing over control to me willingly then it also means that you can trust merdquo she says adding that this trust itself can be a source of arousal Crucially she warns against conflating consensual practices with abuse What is unfolding in cases like the recent investigation she argues is not kink but ldquoentitlement aggression and violencerdquo CNC she stresses is ldquoteamworkrdquo which people choose to do together never something imposed ldquoWhat happened in the report is far from what CNC is aboutrdquoRao also talks about the connection between the rape fantasy and popular Hindi cinema which has long flirted with troubling tropes where refusal is framed as coyness and persistence is rewarded as romance As the late author Sudhir Kakar notes in Intimate Relations cultural scripts often blur desire and dominance Films like Darr Dil and Raanjhanaa have at times normalised pursuit despite a womanrsquos ldquonordquo reinforcing the dangerous myth that resistance is performative rather than realRao says ldquoIn India sex is a taboo only at surface levelrdquo From films where ldquomen are forcing themselves on women and it turns out that she liked it in the long runrdquo to erotic comics that mirror similar dynamics Rao argues that aggression has been repeatedly romanticised ldquoWersquore very conditioned to see it that way Itrsquos quite deeply embedded in our culturerdquo she addslsquoThere is always a feeling of an entitlement for sex itselfrsquoCriminologist P Madhava Soma Sundaram explains that rape fantasy is a spectrum of human thought which is not always turned into real behaviourFrom a criminological standpoint Professor P Madhava Soma Sundaram also the Chairman of Indian Society of Criminology frames rape fantasy along a spectrum of human behaviour where thoughts do not always translate into action ldquoIt can be something which is pleasurable at one extreme and something which is not at all pleasurable at the other extremerdquo he explains noting that many individuals may have fantasies but never act on them The distinction he emphasises lies in consent ldquoWhen you go into action then the next important thing is consent according to the Indian law So consent must be thererdquoHe points to a broader cultural issue of sexual entitlement in India where assumptions around access to sex even within marriage blur ethical boundaries ldquoThere is always a question of entitlement for sex itselfrdquo he says linking this mindset to both marital and nonmarital sexual violenceSundaram also highlights how fantasies can carry strong motivational force ldquoMotivation to satisfy a fantasy is very very highrdquo he notes warning that in the absence of consent this can escalate into coercive or criminal acts Crucially he underlines that consent is continuous and revocable At any stage a person must be able to stop the act through ldquobody language gestures or wordsrdquo and that decision must be respected ldquoBut this kind of discussion whether people are aware of it or not is something which we wonrsquot know unless trained by proper professionalsrdquo he endsPiciStockTelling signs of being druggedDrugging someone to sexually assault them is known as drugfacilitated sexual assault DFSA These substances can cause symptoms similar to extreme intoxication including weakness slurred speech poor coordination and blurred vision often within 15 to 30 minutes according to Stanford University If you suspect yoursquove been drugged seek immediate help and get tested as soon as possible ideally within 12 to 72 hours with the support of someone you trust