You can’t sit with us: How Indian girls are navigating female rivalry amid the need for sisterhood

The video from Bennett University lasted only a few seconds where a group of girls were seen cornering slapping and humiliating another girl For many women watching it online reopened memories that stretched across years The accused student was reportedly rusticated after the clip went viral Yet beneath the outrage we wonder why do so many girls grow up learning to fear other girls before they learn to trust themFor generations girlhood has been an invisible curriculum of comparison Who is prettier Who do the boys like more Long before many young women learn the language of solidarity they are often introduced to competition Sometimes it takes the form of gossip disguised as concern or humiliation softened into ldquojust jokingrdquoPsychologists call this ldquorelational aggressionrdquo and itrsquos rooted in social exclusion manipulation and emotional control A 2012 study on adolescents in urban India published in the International Journal of Behavioural Development found that relational aggression among teenagers was closely tied to popularity and peer status suggesting that social power often shapes teenage friendshipsExperts say this behaviour does not emerge in isolation Girls often grow up within systems that reward comparison from beauty standards and academic pressure to social media validation and male attentionSamiksha Nair remembers Class 6 not through report cards or school events but through comments that slowly changed the way she saw herself ldquoI was really close to these two girls We used to meet every single day and I never thought I was being bulliedrdquo she says At the time the remarks felt casual even helpful Her friends mocked the way she dressed the oil in her hair the hairstyles she wore ldquoThey would tell me lsquoJaha se tu kapde leti hai itrsquos so down marketrsquo I genuinely thought they were being honest with me because they were my friendsrdquoOver time she began scrutinising her appearance believing she needed to change herself to fit in Looking back now she recognises it as a form of aggression disguised as being a girlrsquos girl It is something that a lot of girls experience growing up but rarely recognise ldquoGirls gossiping and btching about other girls they appear to be nice to is very common Irsquove seen it happen in friend groups even participated in such conversations sometimesrdquo she admitsNair says what makes the experience exhausting is how normalised it becomes during adolescence ldquoYoursquore trying to figure yourself out and constantly feeling judged by others can get drainingrdquo Still she says finding genuine female friendships later in life changed her understanding of sisterhood entirely ldquoNow I have girlfriends who are my comfort Female friendship can actually be one of the safest and most amazing things to haverdquolsquoExpectations are higher than their emotional maturityrsquoClinical psychologist Chandra Kumary SD points out that friendships in teens become emotionally intense spaces where validation is an achievementClinical psychologist Chandra Kumary S D of the Mpower school programme says the tension in teenage girl friendships often begins at a developmental level ldquoAdolescence is a major phase of change Bodies emotions and identity are all shifting quicklyrdquo she explains In this period of uncertainty friendships become emotionally heightened spaces where validation matters deeplyChandra Kumary SDldquoMany girls want to feel liked valued or chosenrdquo she says This can easily translate into thoughts like ldquoI should be the bestrdquo or ldquoI should be the onerdquo which then fuel insecurity comparison and competitionShe adds that todayrsquos environment intensifies these feelings ldquoGirls are growing up with constant exposure through social media Validation comes instantly through likes attention and comparisonrdquo she says When this external feedback loop intersects with school pressure academic expectations and rigid beauty standards it can outpace emotional development ldquoSometimes expectations are higher than their emotional maturityrdquo she notesldquoTeenagers are still learning selfworth emotional balance and identityrdquo she says ldquoThey are also managing parental expectations school pressure and the need to feel acceptedrdquo In this constant pushandpull friendships can become complicated shaped as much by insecurity as by affection while girls are still figuring out how to feel secure within themselveslsquoThatrsquos just how girls workrsquoMeghna Sharma tells us how she has prepped her teenage daughter who is at a hostel in an elite residential school to be resilientA 13yearold girl studying in a residential school in Rajasthan is learning independence but also as her mother Meghna Sharma puts it an early sense of comparison ldquoAs my daughter and her friends are growing up I can see them becoming more competitive Whenever one of them wins a medal or performs better it seems to inspire an even stronger competitive spirit among the othersrdquo Sharma says ldquoIf she doesnrsquot get through achievements like others do she feels like lsquoI could have done betterrsquordquo she addsMeghna SharmaBefore her daughter left for boarding school Sharma says she prepared her for the emotional realities of growing up among girls ldquoI used to tell her that girls are very competitive sometimes they can be nasty they can pull you downrdquo she says describing it as a kind of survival warning passed from one generation to the next In the hostel environment disagreements among friends often feel intensifiedldquoWhenever she calls me upset about a disagreement or comment within the dorm she always says that she and her friends need to stand by each other to work through the issuesrdquo Sharma says However she always advises resilience ldquoLife is unfairrdquo she tells her daughter ldquoThatrsquos a reality and an important lessonrdquo Yet she acknowledges that while girls can be each otherrsquos harshest critics they are also deeply capable of solidarity and carelsquoEveryone feels there can be only one herorsquoAuthor and screenwriter Anuja Chauhan explains how girls are conditioned to believe there is limited space for attention and successIndian novelist and screenwriter Anuja Chauhan says she once hoped things would be different for this generation with greater awareness around feminism therapy and ldquogirl support girlrdquo conversations ldquoEverybody is so selfaware now I thought this wasnrsquot happening anymorerdquo she says ldquoYoursquore woke enough you understand feminism that girls should side with girls but at the same time everyone wants to be seenrdquoAnuja ChauhanShe describes teenage female friendships as emotionally crowded spaces where performance often replaces ease ldquoEverybody is trying to be the good person but in their own narrative they think they are rightrdquo she says What looks like bonding or group behaviour from the outside she adds is often ldquoroleplaying that is constantly switched onrdquo where inclusion and exclusion blur into social strategy Even acts of meanness she suggests can feel justified within that internal logicldquoEveryone feels there can only be one herordquo she says describing how girls are often conditioned to believe there is limited space for success beauty or attention ldquoThe idea that many girls can shine at the same time doesnrsquot fit into peoplersquos headsrdquo Chauhan believes that this competition is about how girls are taught to imagine their worth in a world that rarely tells them there is enough room for alllsquoIrsquove always been made an outcastrsquoAnya Anthony recalls her teenage years where she was ostracised from girlsrsquo groups for not meeting their ldquostandardsrdquoFor Anya Anthony female rivalry often showed up less as direct cruelty and more as subtle exclusion ldquoAt 16 wersquore all still forming our personalities our cliques our identitiesrdquo she says But within those circles loyalty could shift quickly A close friend who often mocked other girls as ldquoannoyingrdquo or ldquopick merdquo later turned the same behaviour towards Anthony after the two had a falling out ldquoIt becomes this snowball effectrdquo she explains ldquoA group of girls suddenly starts telling others not to involve themselves with you over something they donrsquot even fully know aboutrdquoAnya AnthonyGrowing up in a sheltered environment Anthony says she became aware of ideas around desirability much later than her peers But among girls in her housing society competition around boys had already started to shape friendships She recalls being abruptly excluded from group plans and outings without explanation ldquoTo this day I donrsquot know why it happenedrdquo she says ldquoBut I know male attention was at the centre of itrdquoOne memory still stands out to her of a girl warning her friends not to ldquodress nicelyrdquo when her crush was around ldquoIt sounds silly nowrdquo Anthony laughs ldquobut thatrsquos how early girls start feeling like they have to competerdquo Those experiences eventually shaped her understanding of what being a ldquogirlrsquos girlrdquo actually means ldquoItrsquos not about these so called rules we set uprdquo she says ldquoIts about looking out for other women as a whole from the smallest of things Looking out for strangers to your closest friendsrdquo