My husband and I have been married for around two years. We don’t have any serious issues when it comes to our relationship, but he has a passive aggressive side to him that I find very damaging. It is almost as if he hides this aspect of his personality. When we argue about something, he usually agrees with me but, a few days later, is suddenly rude or uncaring. I have come to realise that he doesn’t like confrontation and agrees with me on everything to avoid a fight, which I believe is not healthy. He resents me for days after this, and still doesn’t say what’s on his mind, which is why he uses his actions to express any resentment that festers. I have tried to get him to see that this is not healthy and will cause a lot of pain to us both, but he can’t help himself because he just doesn’t know how to communicate honestly. How can we fix this before it becomes a permanent part of our relationship?
You’re pointing it out to him, which is the first step, and his acceptance that this isn’t healthy may prompt him to take steps to address it. This is learned behaviour though and will probably take a while for him to work on because most people refuse to acknowledge that they have problems communicating with their partners. Explain to him why this isn’t about an argument as much as it is about causing unnecessary pain. It is also a sign of mutual respect, which is something he may find harder to ignore. Healthy communication takes a long time for some couples to manage, because they first have to learn that arguments can be healthy too. I suggest you keep speaking to your husband about this, reach out to a professional therapist if he feels as if he doesn’t have the tools to manage his anger on his own, and give it time. Reiterating your message may be annoying for you, but it is critical.

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