‘It feels like I made a huge mistake’

I am a 29-year old who recently ended a long-term relationship. We were together for five years and were planning to marry when everything started to go wrong. It started to feel as if I didn’t know him anymore and we kept having arguments every week until it got to a point where we stopped communicating. I was relieved when we broke up, but I have also not felt like myself. I spend hours questioning everything, why it failed, and how I will pick myself up after all this time. I know that grief is unavoidable, but I am more confused about how it all unravelled so quickly. It feels as if I made a huge mistake and I don’t know how to get rid of that feeling. What should I do to cope?
Your self-awareness has already given you an indication of why you feel the way you do. To step away from a five-year relationship and assume that life will seem normal is unrealistic, given that you have been attuned to the presence of someone else in your life for a while now. It takes time to rediscover yourself and your identity because relationships are about give and take, where two people influence each other in all kinds of subtle ways. Instead of trying to cope, think about what you’re feeling and practice acceptance. If it’s a sense of confusion, accept that too and trust in time’s ability to bring you clarity. This will be hard to do for a while, of course, because there may be conflicting emotions at work, but try allowing yourself to feel everything you’re going through for a couple of months. It may be a painful exercise, but it will teach you about yourself, who you are today, and how the relationship that ended has shaped you.

When I argue with my girlfriend, I feel emasculated. Is that normal?
Ask yourself why your masculinity is threatened by an argument. Also think about what you want from this relationship, and your partner.