Match point

If you thought you were the only one to be blindsided when news of Indian allrounder Hardik Pandyas recent engagement to Natasa Stankovic broke the Internet think again Pandyas father Himanshu said that their family had no idea that he was planning to get engaged Interestingly a friend of Pandyas mentioned that he had been invited to the engagement a week in advance but couldnt make it because of a prior commitment Observers were quick to note the stark contrast in their reactions with many calling Pandya out for not doing the decent thing by letting his family know first And then there were those who supported this move claiming that his was a purely personal decision and quite in sync with modern relationship norms We spoke to readers about their own experiences with sharing news about their relationships with parents and wellwishersDoes it matter if they knowPriyanka Bajaria andNahid DavePsychologist Priyanka Bajaria explains A proposalengagement is symbolic of inviting your partner into your life Since we live in a collectivistic culture we are conditioned to share both the joys and challenges associated with our important milestones with our families and friends At the same time Dr Nahid Dave a psychiatrist at Insight Clinic points out that most urban adults are used to taking independent decisions in terms of their finances travel and where to stay The decision about who to marry is also increasingly perceived as an independent decision There exists a gap of more than one generation between modern parents and their children mdash the rate of evolution is not liner but rather exponential especially because of social media and the Internet While parents no longer expect to be asked about whom to marry there certainly is an expectation that they will be informed first when the time comes she explainsBajaria lists three things you should consider before your engagementFactor in the quality and proximity of the relationship with your parents If you share a close relationship with them their blessings will only enhance your special momentIs your family structure more individualistic or collectivisticWill informing your parents after the proposal be a surprise or cause frictionDr Dave adds In most cases parents dont approve of a match either because they believe that the match isnt good enough or because of societal pressures that have little to do with the manwoman in question In case of the latter they place themselves before their childs happiness and this can lead to emotional blackmail Understand why your parents are disapproving of your partner mdash in the first scenario give your parents time to know your spouseIf your parents are too bound by convention or societal norms its best to go ahead with what you think will work for you Trying too hard can also result in fights between partners as the stress begins to mount Understand that even if you do take a wrong decision it is your decision and you are accountable for the repercussionsYour conviction matters the mostDebolina Mukhopadhyay and Mayank DixitMayank and I met in 2017 at a salsa class We connected first as friends and then fell in love I remember him being my rock of support during some of the toughest phases of my life including when my mother was suffering from kidney disease and multiple hypoglycaemic shock episodes In June last year we decided to formalise our relationship Mayank had been receiving and rejecting many arranged matches by then On my side my father was quick to consent as he had met Mayank during my mothers illness However his family lived in a different city and was conservative They had many initial reservations about me as I was not their choice and came from a different community My fianceacute took on the responsibility to speak patiently to his extended family about me explaining why he thought I was the right choice It has taken nearly a year for his parents to come around and accept that we have chosen to marry each otherLesson learned If you are convinced that your relationship will work in the long run dont be reluctant to let your families know Understand why you have decided to be with your partner and try to get your family to understand your point of view If the approval of your parents matters to either or both of you have the patience to wait for them to come aroundDont try to please everyoneImtiaz and Rabia PatelMy husbands family was quite rigid about his marriage mdash they would have preferred him marrying within the caste When we began dating each other he had two daughters from a former marriage He didnt want to challenge convention again and invite the ire of the society and his family In 1996 we got married without anyones knowledge and began living together The night of our wedding I called my father and informed him over the phone He was disappointed at not being included in my decision but understood our fear of rejection Seven months later my motherinlaw stopped by our house and became very agitated when she saw me there It took many years before she saw eyetoeye with us A few months after we married my husband introduced his children to me mdash they were three and five years of age at the time and took an immediate liking to me Our decision to marry was a practical one that had been arrived at after much deliberationLesson learned We were confident in our decision and didnt want others to intervene with their own judgments and prejudices Ive found that waiting for everyones approval can often result in more trouble than goodBe the first to tell themSonal and Ankur SomaniMy husband Ankur and I met at our workplace We dated for six years before we decided to get married His family lives in Indore while mine is in Mumbai When we were dating his parents did not approve of me at first mdash they were worried about whether I would be able to adjust to their ways My family was the first to know when we decided to get married mdash they were already supportive of the match and were overjoyed We celebrated before taking on the more arduous task of broaching the topic with his parents We decided to let them know over a telephone call While it wasnt ideal it gave us some distance from the mayhem we knew would follow It took us two long years to bring his family onboard During this time I would speak to them regularly and visited them a few times I wanted them to understand me better It helped that my husband stood firm on his decision to the extent that if they refused to see reason we would proceed with the marriage in any case Eventually his parents did come to accept and love me for the person I amLesson learned Letting your parents know that youve decided to marry someone they dont approve of can be very difficult What matters the most is unconditional support from both partners It also helps if you are the first to break the news to your family as you can then give them enough time to come to terms with your decision before you share the news with the 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