mid-day exclusive interview: Dr Harriet Lerner talks about her latest book on apology

Virat Kohli and Steve Smith shake hands before the toss for the second Test match in Bengaluru The fourmatch series ended with accusations and controversies from both sides even as both captains were at the centre of the action Smiths apology came at the end of the final Test PicAFPThe recently concluded IndiaAustralia Test series will be remembered not just for the cliffhanger that it was but also for the bad blood that ensued However when Australias captain Steve Smith apologised at the end of the tournament for letting his emotions slip saying it had been intense throughout the series it was taken as an effort to bury the hatchetIts laudable that Smith understood the value of apologising but expressing regret that he let his emotions slip is perhaps not good enough A better apology might be Im sorry that I spoke words that were inappropriate and uncalled for My behaviour was out of line and I want to assure you that it wont happen again Solid leadership demands the capacity to apologise wisely says psychologist and bestselling author Dr Harriet Lerner who has been studying apologies for over two decades She is out with her latest title Why Wont You Apologize Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurts BloomsburyDuckworth OverlookUsing reallife stories she engages with apology through a gamut of approaches from what makes a meaningful apology to how not to give in to the pressure of forgiving We dip into her book and our email conversation to help you say and accept or not the golden wordsDr Harriet Lerner PicJason DaileyThe challenge of apologisingWere all apologychallenged with certain people and in some situations writes Dr Lerner in the opening chapter Humans are wired for defensiveness If were being criticised we listen for distortions that indeed may be there It takes maturity and integrity to listen for what we can agree with and apologise for it she states Acknowledgement is the first step Any justification or wrong choice of words can undo the apologySo what makes for a meaningful apology It takes direct responsibility for what we have said and done or not said and done without a hint of blaming obfuscation excusemaking and bringing up the other persons crime sheet It also involves making reparations if appropriate expressing remorse and a commitment to not repeat what you are apologising for Dr Lerner elaboratesFamily mattersMany layered situations in the book revolve around close relationships and the author addresses the dilemma of confronting a parent or family member who harmed you and if its worth it The wrongdoers willingness to own up has nothing to do with how much she or he does or doesnt love you she says Its related to their selflove and selfrespectNo individual will feel accountable and remorseful if doing so threatens to define him or her in an unacceptable way So if you are going to confront a parent who has harmed you do this because its the ground you want to stand on she explainsThe forgiveness conundrumThe author questions the common advice on the need to forgive She explains It is fine to forgive the nonapologetic wrongdoer if this is an important part of your spiritual belief or values However forgiveness is only one path of many to free ourselves from the corrosive aspects of anger and bitterness There is a cost to rushing into a false and premature forgiveness It leaves the hurt party feeling alone and abandoned all over again