Experts list ways of coping with the loss of a long-term partner

perts listOn April 9 Prince Phillip the Duke of Edinburgh breathed his last at Windsor Castle aged 99 He and Queen Elizabeth II were married for 73 years ldquoThe Queenrsquos former secretary Charles Anson told a magazine that she ought to have been prepared for her husbandrsquos death after years of health troubles However stoic her demeanour might be in public in the days to come the loss of a longterm partner isnrsquot an easy experience to navigateQueen Elizabeth II and Prince PhilipAnticipating griefAnsonrsquos statement isnrsquot farfetched according to transpersonal psychotherapist and mind life coach Ameeta Sanghavi Shah As people grow older especially as health issues arise they begin to confront the fragility of life She adds that there are both practical and psychological aspects to coping ldquoWhen yoursquove been with someone for many years there is a dependency on them If that is cut off therersquos a void So if you have been preparing for it at least yoursquoll be aware of the practical tasks that need to be executed in the moment of loss for instance yoursquoll know who your goto people are and arrange for stay and financesrdquo she sharesMoving through stagesUnderstanding the stages of grief will help you realise that the emotions you experience are universal The first response to losing someone is shock and denial no matter the level of preparedness says Shah ldquoThis is followed by panic pain guilt fear and loneliness before anger kicks in Anger is an antidote that builds energy and after this phase you move on to bargaining mdash with God or yourself Depression can also arise before acceptancerdquo she addsAnindita KunduBut these stages do not progress in a linear manner asserts Anindita Kundu trauma therapist and psychotherapist ldquoA part of who you are is also a part of who you are in a relationship That relationship not existing in its physical form will impact you in a big way But we canrsquot talk about grief without talking about the love that existed Bringing that love into the picture is an integral part of healingrdquo Kundu saysCoping and careGrief isnrsquot the same for everyone either a person who doesnrsquot have resources financial physical or social may find it harder to cope Spirituality Shah stresses can also help people cope Romana Fernandes who lost husband Anthony in 2019 concurs Anthony passed away due to brain cancer just a year shy of their silver jubilee The 52yearold man was working in Iran but had to return to India as his health was failing and he soon developed issues with speech and memory ldquoI was shocked but I was hoping hersquod become okay He underwent an operation but post that had only a few months to liverdquo she sharesFor the Mira Roadbased homemaker it was spirituality that helped her with grieving ldquoI realised I had to let go and leave everything in Godrsquos hands I have two children and fortunately my daughter completed her graduation just before he passed away and got a job with an airline So God ensured there was financial supportrdquo she adds Although one learns many things with time Fernandes says that time doesnrsquot necessarily heal all wounds ldquoI think it is best to first overcome this loss on your own before socialising and talking to others Because then a few people will also comment on how you lsquogot overrsquo this so early and that hurts more than what you lostrdquoAmeeta Sanghavi ShahNo deadlineHaving conversations around grief Kundu maintains is imperative even though it is considered taboo in society It is also important to remember that there is no timeline to it The tricky part about grief is that it sneaks up on us when we least expect it to ldquoBut eventually this sneaking up wonrsquot startle you anymore It wonrsquot leave you feeling lsquoOh my God this was a punch in my gutrsquo Instead yoursquoll realise lsquoThis hurt but itrsquos no longer throwing me offrsquordquoWays to copegtgt Remember that grief is not weakness Shah asserts that it is human to go through it would be rather robotic for one to not be grieving ldquoTreat it as an act of love Every time you are experiencing grief remind yourself that in a way this stems from the love for yourself mdash because yoursquore concerned of how yoursquoll cope mdash and the love for the person yoursquore missingrdquo she addsgtgt Every day dedicate five to 15 minutes to sit and recall your memories of the person even if you are feeling fine and this exercise makes you cry ldquoOtherwise you end up suppressing your emotions and there will come a point when you wonrsquot be able to control it any longerrdquo Shah says The latter half of this practice though should be devoted to you thinking about how you can help yourselfgtgt It may also help to think about what the deceased person would have wanted you to do ldquoWe enforce conditions on ourselves Like lsquoI canrsquot play cricket anymore because thatrsquos what I played with my late spousersquo For a limited time thatrsquos okay But then pause and think about what they would want you to do if they truly loved yourdquo she sharesgtgt Journalling is a good way to express and make sense of what yoursquore feeling If life feels meaningless Shah advises putting the exact words to paper ie write lsquolife feels meaninglessrsquo