Taming the silent killer

The best way to keep a prisoner from escaping is to make sure he never knows hes in prison Quoting Fyodor Dostoevsky writer Shivranjana Rathore stitches together a lifetime of emotional abuse in her book HineniThe title which literally translates to here I am in Hebrew is the story of Zee a girl born to emotionally unavailable and abusive parents But the 28yearold Rathore chronicles this in what she calls an insideoutside format Essentially Zees choices are represented by Sombre and Levity mdash both are alter egos of each other While the former represents succumbing to such abuse the latter is inclined to maintaining a breezy approachAnubhab SarkarThe writer who moved from Mumbai to Goa in 2017 after quitting her fulltime job as a credit analyst plays on prose and verse to tell a story that although is fiction is also deeply personal Having grown up witnessing instances of borderline abuse or emotional blackmail in the lives of friends as well as her own the origins of Hineni go back to 2013 Rathore began working on an independent research project on caste and body politics among sexual minorities in West Rajasthan That study brought home some radical ideas for me as a researcher as well as an awakening of sorts as a writer she says adding that the final leg of conceptualisation began in 2016 and this year she selfpublished Hineni launching it in Mumbai last weekIts still abuseRathore has researched emotional abuse since 2013 And the most powerful section of the book lies at the end mdash the authors remarks Here she draws similarities to a prisoners mindset analysing Viktor Frankls theory One such example is highlighted in Zees experience of depersonalisation ie the belief that she is nothing without her abuser What was largely missing from popular discourse Rathore feels is the overall denial of such abuse with the family among other things I hope we can move away from the habit to label mdash the binary labels of victim andor survivor While I understand where these labels come from and see their use as well to my mind however the pressure to use a label to define ones trauma from abuse can push victims of abuse further into denial because the labels seem scary or even too alien That is because we almost always assume that these things happen somewhere far away from us she saysRahat Sanghvi These labels also got the writer thinking about hierarchies She explains this with a series of questions while hoping that the focus is drawn to the resilience of the human spirit A survivor was also a victim at one point Does that make the survivor better than a victim If the survivor was always that then does that again make a survivortype personality better than a victim In this case who is a victim and who is a survivor Do we need to carry a badge of honour for being a survivorWhere the law standsAnubhab Sarkar partner and cofounder of Triumvir Law says that although mental health awareness is gaining importance with the current generation there hardly exists any codified legislation dealing with emotional abuse However there exists a statute dealing with the protection of women in relation to domestic violence namely The Protection of Women from Domestic Violence Act DVA 2005 which elucidates verbal and emotional abuse Apart from this even the Indian Penal Code 1860 includes emotional abuse to be a form of cruelty The courts are broadening the ambit of this term by passing positive judgments in different jurisdictions he asserts But with regards to the DVA it is mandatory for a domestic relationship to be established mdash one between the parties who are or have resided in a shared household and are related by blood marriage or through a relationship in the nature of marriage adoption or are family members living together as a joint family Livein relationships are also included within its scopeShivranjana Rathore PicShadab KhanSarkar advises that people maintain a detailed account of what has transpired with the abuser mdash especially when evidence can be hard to gather Moreover a person suffering from emotional distress or mental agony like in Rathores case can always make a tortious claim seeking damages for the trauma so caused There have been some instances in court wherein the abuse is so apparent that the instances or factual scenario in itself are enough to prove the existence of such emotional abuse However the victim should try to document some proof in relation to the matter at hand via text message email picture andor witness in order to prove the situation beyond a reasonable doubt he sharesFinding closureEveryone deals with abuse differently So closure is a tricky territory Its even more difficult when its familyrelated In such cases Rathore advocates using the term breaking away instead of calling out since it humanises both parties Citybased clinical psychologist Rahat Sanghvi echoes a similar sentiment when she specifies love and trust as the basis of emotional abuse If you didnt love someone you would just break away from them And to do that its important you talk to someone you trust or seek professional help she saysThe first step Sanghvi explains is selfadmission And writing Hineni for Rathore has certainly been challenging but also liberatingI often look back on these past couple of years and wonder in slight awe how I could write it all but then I realise that my aim has been to write something that leaves people with hopeHow to identify emotional abuseEmotional abuse isnt a onetime instance but a pattern It can be identified when someone constantly needs to control your behaviour and emotional expression is dismissive of your feelings and accomplishments is threatening to harm you or themselves and if you fear your safety at the moment or in the futureVerbal abuse is a part of emotional abuse since it invokes emotions The abuser will often blame you for their emotions call you selfish if you dont meet their standards or give you the silent treatmentInputs by Rahat SanghviCatch up on all the latest Crime National International and Hatke news here Also download the new midday Android and iOS apps to get the latest updates