'It is the wound that determines our life'

For American playwright feminist and activist Eve Ensler mdash whose play The Vagina Monologues has been enacted across theatres in Mumbai for the past decade mdash most of her life had been about the apology she never received In a conversation with midday at the Royal Opera House on Wednesday afternoon she spoke about how she went into a trance while penning her latest book The ApologyThe book itself can be viewed as a physical manifestation of the longstanding apology Enslers father Arthur owed her mdash for sexually abusing her ever since she was five years old and then in her teenage years when she became defiant of physically abusing her to the point of almost having murdered her on two separate occasions Arthur passed away 31 years ago without apologising to his only daughter The Apology is his unspoken repentanceFor most of my life I had this fantasy that my father would one day come to his senses and see the error of his ways and apologise said Ensler who has spoken about violence against women on a global scale One of the ways we often save ourselves is by reaching out to others who are in worse shape than we areCalling in the menShe enumerates all the things her efforts at ending violence against girls has achieved In all this time weve changed laws broken the silence and with the MeToo movement more women have come forward boldly to tell their stories but in all these years I have never heard a man who has committed sexual or physical violence make a public apology of what he has done She added Weve called out the men now we need to call them inSpeaking of her book Ensler elaborates Maybe I wanted to hear the words of apology in order to heal myself and get free It is an apology to myself ndash from my father ndash in his voice she said We have a profound relation with the dead They are all around us they need us to communicate with them since they are stuck in other realms My father was present with me throughout the writing of this book I was in a trance I stayed in a room for four months writing till date I dont know who wrote it the book me or my fatherComing to terms with her woundDescribing her father Arthur as the adored one who was born 15 years after the thenyoungest sibling in his family she said that step one of the architecture of an apology is selfinterrogation and a look into the abusers childhood Boys being robbed of their tenderness at an early age and then later being given enormous privilege and power ndash that is a lethal combination When I was born I was his first daughter he felt overwhelming feelings of love for me But he did not know how to process it What he did with it is he sexualised itShe also talks about her mother in the book She came from a generation where men have all the power I often saw her as the fourth child of my dad My mother didnt protect me She absolutely knew the violence that was happening As a child I hated my mother But when I was older I sat her down and spoke to her it was the hardest thing in my life but she came to admit a lot She told me that when my father started being a monster she had three children and no job so she sacrificed me It was a chilling thing to hearShe also admits that although writing the book was excruciatingly painful it had helped her to heal Every human has a particular childhood wound its what determines our life Were often taught in our respective cultures to not touch this wound But when we do that it is the wound that controls our life Once you come to terms with it it cannot control you anymoreWas it her 2013 memoir In The Body of The World the beginning of coming to terms with the wound then Ensler responded When I had cancer ten years ago it was the beginning of me coming fully into my body I got much more connected to my memories and was much less fragmented I had no idea that I was going to write an apology for my father She added As survivors we are angry for such a long time it becomes our identity I didnt want to be that for the rest of my lifeCatch up on all the latest Mumbai news crime news current affairs and also a complete guide on Mumbai from food to things to do and events across the city here Also download the new midday Android and iOS apps to get latest updates