I hope this column finds you in good health. If it doesn't, I would be happy to send you (for NO FEES) a cassette player with fresh batteries and a recording of "Kadam Kadam Badhaaye Ja" because as you taught me in Clerk, that song cures everything, including heart trouble, terrible acting, and the need for logic

In your career you earned several awards, and the nickname Manoj “Bharat” Kumar. This was due to films like Shaheed, Kranti, and Upkaar, all of which were steeped in such blind patriotism that they make Sunny Deol look like an ISI agent. For the sake of keeping things civil, we’ll ignore the fact that you then joined the Shiv Sena.

Besides, I’m more interested in a legal matter that you were involved in this week. You’ve sued the makers of Om Shaanti Om for a scene which, according to you, makes fun of you. I must confess that my first instinct when I read about this was to facepalm (or as you call it, “Patriotic Gangnam Style”). In case I infringed any copyrights while doing so, please tell me where I can mail you a cheque for the required amount.