Ranjona Banerji: No shortage of twits on Twitter

If mansplaining was not bad enough we now have to endure Twittersplaining Yes yes I know that the worst thing about Twitter is the abuse I know that But trolls are trolls see You can always block them if you cannot shame them or my best bet gently make fun of them Aunty jee you are a bully said one of them the other day having explained to me in SMS English that my English was terrible Ah well Irsquoll take the compliment and I donrsquot mean lsquoAunty jeersquo though I donrsquot mind that either I pretend to myself that itrsquos good old Indian respect for the greyhaired and wrinkled Isnrsquot it Oh damnPrime Minister Modi poses with his new wax statue before its installation at the Madame Tussauds museum in London PicPTIBut Twittersplaining oh my that is an irritant on a whole other level Suppose you tweet ldquoWho knew that Prime Minister Modi ji would become a wax modelrdquo Immediately a whole flock of Earnest Twits will surround you and Twittersplain ldquoNo no marsquoam this is another form of Aunty jee Prime Minister Modi ji is not a wax modelrdquoNext tweet ldquoMadame Tussauds have made a wax model of him Madame Tussauds is a wax museum in Londonrdquo Sometimes 140 characters is not enough to Twittersplain Although it is enough to annoy someone Also it is a revelation to me that Madame Tussauds has not heard of the apostrophe Perhaps I should womansplain it to themThis is when you are happier with a proModi proBJP Bhakt troll who will tweet ldquoEvil commie Bong Macaulayite Naxal ISIS follower presstitute who hates Modi The Greatrdquo and put you on a list of ldquoNewstrader Journalists Who Hates Modi the Greatrdquo At least no one is explaining your own tweet to you Sometimes this even sounds better than ldquoAunty JeerdquoLetrsquos say you post a photograph of your cat and caption it ldquoMy pet tigerrdquo Well you asked for it Every person on Twitter with ldquoI am a literal genius who cannot see beyond her noserdquo written on her Tshirt will reply to you ldquoThat is not a tiger That is a cattus domesticusrdquo Or they will retweet your tweet adding ldquoLook at this stupid person who thinks a cat is a tiger ROFLrdquoI suppose if you really had a pet tiger you would be justified in setting it on them And how many people do you think will now tell me that lsquocattus domesticusrsquo is not a proper Latin term for your pet catSarcasm as I must now succumb to Twittersplaining cannot exist on Twitter Because a joke told with a straight face gets the Literals in a Terrible Tizzy Even worse is Irony This absolutely upsets the apple cart Before someone Twittersplains that apples are no longer transported on carts as often as they once were I must point out that that was a metaphor That is when someone upsets the apple cart all you Twittersplainers as in apples will fall down on the groundEven worse when you make a joke about someone elsersquos area of expertise Like rubbish management jargon or some daft new government scheme Then you have had it Every twobit and highup expert both will jump in to Twittersplain ldquoTo have a haircut does not mean going to the barberrdquo blah blah blah unfortunately you cannot really fall asleep counting 140 characters of sheer boring nonsense but it comes closeSo you can keep your Earnest Literal TwitterSplainers Those who cannot see a joke Those who need a joke explained to them in 280 characters Yes dear Literals I mean in two Tweets I know that one Tweet is restricted to 140 characters You can wallow in your selfrighteous tedious boring little existences You can make your childrenrsquos lives miserable or your friends or spouse or strangers on the street Leave me alone Have I not Twittersplained this enoughAnd instead give me the trolls Let them call me names Describe the terrible fate I deserve Finish off my family Even refer to me as Aunty jee I know how to deal with them But what does one do with someone who cannot tell that a pun is a little bit of funRanjona Banerji is a senior journalist You can follow her on Twitter ranjona