You lose some, you lose some.

Graceful losers In INDIA NeverI begin this week with an apology My words have no comedic value to offer you today Let me explain comedy is like Arnab Goswami in that it relies on turning facts into hyperbole yelling obtuse generalisations and terrible analogies A comedianrsquos craft depends on people doing ordinary or idiotic things that one can take and pass through the prism of said hyperbole analogy etc I regret to inform you however that today I have been robbed of this opportunity by the Congress party though Kapil Sibal assures me that the robbery has caused ldquozero lossrdquo to the exchequerLOSE LOSE SITUATION The party went out of its way to say the loss was in no way Rahul Gandhirsquos fault but that Prime Minister Manmohan Singh should have communicated better PicPTIThe Congress lost the 2014 General Elections Though the word ldquolostrdquo implies that maybe they were 4 runs short of the target or Arsenal scored in extra time More accurately the Congress tripped following which a fat man sat on it and kicked it in the kidneys repeatedly following which someone put a pair of noisecancellation headphones on its ears that only plays Hookah Bar on loop following which its eyelids were peeled open and an IMAX 3D Directorrsquos Cut With 134 Extended Minutes print of Xposeacute was beamed directly onto its eyes while it was made to sit on an airplane with ONLY babies in every single other seat And all those babies look and sound like Rahul GandhiLosing is one thing Itrsquos the Congress partyrsquos reaction to the loss that has resulted in my loss of income Theyrsquove been so hilarious in their response to this drubbing that as a comedian therersquos nothing left for me to do or say For starters the party went out of its way to say the loss was in no way Rahul Gandhirsquos fault but that PM Manmohan Singh should have communicated better This is the political equivalent of a mother spanking a table and shouting at it to appease her idiot child who made the mistake of walking into it facefirst Whoever came up with that should be a screenwriter Hersquod write the greatest movie climaxes of all timeEXT DAYEarth collapses in on itself crumbling into nothing as the machines eat it from the inside out destroying all of humanity Morpheus and Trinity watch sadly Morpheus lsquoknow this isnrsquot Neorsquos faultTrinity ARE YOU FNG KIDDING ME WHEN THE FIRST MACHINE SHOWED UP HE STARTED CRYING AND SOILED HIS PANTS BEFORE RUNNING AWAYMorpheus No itrsquos not Trinity Okay whose fault is it thenMorpheus It was actually the AgentSmithWave effect combined with the fact that you Trinity are just a rubbish girlfriend You didnrsquot give him the confidence he needs Wait here comes Neo now Donrsquot tell him therersquos no more Earth just smile and waveTrinity Even the ending of LOST makes more sense than thisTHE ENDAs if that werenrsquot enough the party also refused to accept the Gandhisrsquo resignation Party workers chose to blame the defeat on everything from Dentsu who were partly responsible for their campaign to Mossad Yes That Mossad Irsquom no political expert but if Irsquod just been alienated from every form of governmental protection power and privilege I would not start talking smack at an intelligence agency that has its own personal form of martial arts Aside from the Gandhis the only people the Congress hasnrsquot blamed yet are Daenerys Targaryen and Yo Yo Honey SinghAnd this petulance has now extended to the crucible of all petulance Twitter The Congress has also refused to give up the PMO India Twitter account instead turning it into lsquoPMO India Archiversquo and holding onto it To be fair itrsquos probably the only place they still have any followers so I canrsquot blame themRohan Joshi is a writer and standup comedian who likes reading films and people who do not use the SMS lingo You can also contact him on wwwfacebookcomtherohanjoshi