A short list of known unknowns

IN THAILAND MY COIN CHANGE SITS in a glass bowl It contains Thai baht coins in denominations of 1 2 5 and 10 and innumerable smaller coins called satangs in their own subdenominations 100 satangs make 1 baht like 100 naya paise once made a rupeeI frequently wonder exactly how much I have in that bowl Also I really hate those satangs which can buy you nothing at all but take up such inordinate space Plus they look so much like 1 baht coins that you can easily miscount and give away less or more than you need to India no longer has those irritating naya paisas but after demonetisation Im bewildered by the strange notes and coins that keep getting introduced and withdrawn A rupee coin looks pretty similar to the 2rupee coin so good luck with counting your moneyAll this to say that Ive given up on knowing exactly how much loose change I have with me at any point whether in Thai or Indian currency In fact Im willing to bet you cannot prove beyond any doubt exactly how many notes you have in that wad you just got from the bankThis is actually a deceptively lethal line of thinking as I plan to prove now Im going to go out on a limb and say certain numbers are existentially unknowable no matter how good you are at counting or how advanced your technology Those are the number of notes in a wad of notes your blood pressure at a given moment your cholesterol count the time of your birth and when exactly the sun will set this evening Let me demolish each by turnNOTES IN A WAD If a mistake is made while counting the one who made it whether machine or man would by definition not know it or else it would not be a mistake A counting error can happen at any point including during recounts and the only way to check would be another recount which in turn could also be erroneous Human beings being human beings usually settle for the best of three Who has the timeBLOOD PRESSURE It is scientifically established that the sight of a doctor in a white coat coming to check your blood pressure itself pushes up your blood pressure a phenomenon called white coat hypertension In fact the exertion of the small walk from the reception to the blood pressure machine itself raises your BP The current advice is to sit still for 13 minutes before taking a reading and then take it twice But which nurse has the time with a crowded waiting room behind her Even if you sat still just worrying whether your BP will turn out high will jack up the reading Live with it youll never know what your BP was before you sat down to measure itCHOLESTEROL Unless you havent eaten anything for 912 hours preceding a blood cholesterol test your levels of LDL low density lipoprotein and HDL highdensity will reflect your last meal If it was rogan josh and ghee paratha you might well find yourself on a statin regimen forthwith Your LDL and HDL levels fluctuate throughout the dayTIME OF BIRTH Im a skeptical astrologer meaning I make birth charts with a frown on my face and I often wonder what exactly the time of birth is when the head emerges When the entire baby is out When she emits her first cry What about Caesarean births Who was standing by with a watch Who cared What if you dont have a birth certificate and your time of birth is a complete fiction Maybe even your date of birth Maybe you werent born Call this a life anywaySUNSET Is it when the lower rim goes below the horizon or the upper rim The Met Office says it is the instant in the evening under ideal meteorological conditions with standard refraction of the Suns rays when the upper edge of the suns disk is coincident with an ideal horizon Since this world is anything but ideal with Hindu lynch mobs and Donald Trumps how does the Met Office figure out when the sun setsTO GO BACK TO SQUARE ONE lets say youre settling a Rs 100000 debt According to me you can never know whether you overpaid or underpaid him RightWait maybe not There is a trick I devised based on the fact that no one likes being underpaid Carefully count out 100 notes multiple times then remove one note making it 99 Now wait for the error to be pointed outPretend surprise and ask for a recount If its still 99 smile apologise and hand over the note Works like a charmHere viewed from there C Y Gopinath in Bangkok throws unique light and shadows on Mumbai the city that raised him You can reach him at cygopigmailcom Send your feedback to mailbagmiddaycomCatch up on all the latest Mumbai news crime news current affairs and also a complete guide on Mumbai from food to things to do and events across the city here Also download the new midday Android and iOS apps to get latest updates