4 people dealing with loneliness talk of how they battle with this demon

Ray Iyer social entrepreneur and mental health advocate 28Is surviving the loneliness of a mental health condition I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety disorder last May but since I experienced severe trauma in my childhood and adolescence I think that the onset may have been earlier and went undiagnosed Since I work in the mental health sector I believe being open is an important part of recovery Whether with my employer colleagues friends or lovers I have always been forthcoming about it because it is an integral part of who I am and hiding it only makes me feel more anxiousWhen I have bad days a breakdown a panic attack or mood swings I either talk to my therapist if she is available or to my closest friends I try to avoid telling my parents so as not to stress them out What I have found hard to deal with is loneliness some of which stems from my condition For most part I feel alone in my head when my illness manifests in everyday life especially because there is this pressure to always put up a strong front I feel lonely even in crowds because it isnt so much about having people around you physically but wanting to be accepted for who you truly are on good and bad daysMy parents have been very supportive although it took them a while to understand that my condition is not temporary and it will be a daily fight Them speaking to my therapists helped them understand me better They have always encouraged me to do things that enable healing I am sure it does cause them pain to see me suffer when I have my low days but they have been resilient and we share an honest relationship which helps them carry the confidence that I can pick myself up no matter whatI have been quick to make friends but off late I have narrowed down my social circle to those I truly connect with and feel safe around Having open conversations with them about how they can support me without causing a dependency helps I have learnt it the hard way that I have to define boundaries with friends else it can lead to codependency which is counter productive to my living an independent lifeManav Kaul actor 40Lives alone in a Versova apartmentI moved to Mumbai in 1998 But thats not the first time I started living alone I was living alone in a hostel as a student and later in Bhopal where I had rented an apartment When I moved to Mumbai initially I lived with others because this is an expensive cityIn the West being alone is looked upon as normal But in India nobody forgives you if you have started living alone Society wants us all to live together If you are alone they think you are depressed I like sitting alone in a coffee shop doing my work But people here think bechara akela baitha hai If you were doing the same in the West nobody would give a sI go for movies alone and enjoy it Yet whenever I bump into friends who are watching the movie together they look at me like I am from a different planet Initially I found it awkward but it has become better I also travel alone In fact on December 31 I was biking alone in Uttaranchal It was one of the finest experiences of my life Yet having said that its very difficult to live alone or travel aloneYou have to understand yourself know how to entertain yourself and you go through a lot of ups and downs I have also gone through days of extreme loneliness and tough times In 2013 and 2014 I was depressed That was the period in which I did a play called Colour Blind and discovered myself as an actor I released a lot of it the low in my performanceLoneliness drives you to learn how to be at ease with yourself My writing short stories my plays everything is the product of this alone time I thank god I have lived alone and gone through lonely phases Its a productive time and I think all directors and writers should do thisWe need to start celebrating living alone What we are sold is the LIC Policy picture perfect family with a nice home kids and a beautiful family If I am not making a family or not participating in the social structure I am of no use The idea of happiness thats pushed on us is always with peopleFor instance although I may have not been to Goa I know what happiness in Goa is supposed to be the beach drinking beer with friends and getting in and out of the water But can sipping on a coffee near the beach also constitute happiness Just because you dont fit the mould thats been sold to you you think you are not happyTheres a book called Into The Wild also a movie in which its written happiness is when you share it At the time I read it I was very young and thought it was the gospel truth But I dont like the idea any longer When you are travelling alone and you see something nice the urge is to immediately share it on social media to say see how happy my life is but is that actually happiness I share a relationship with the moment may be the chai tapri or the sunset and I use it in a play or my performancesAjay Pandey novelist 33Wrote a semiautobiographical book on vanquishing lonelinessWhen loneliness completely and utterly engulfs us we tend to go into a shell and may even choose to limit communication with people around us This happened to me in 2012 when I lost my wife two years after we were married Her death came as a shock She was diagnosed with septicemia while she was suffering dengue and before I could even make sense of it she was gone In that moment I hated God I felt my world crash and was in absolute misery I had stopped speaking to people especially close friends and family I knew that I was depressedA few months later while I was suffering from a bout of loneliness I found refuge in books I read over 100 books in a short span of time and didnt even realise when books became my companion telling me stories that helped me cope better with my pain At that point life when I didnt want to meet anyone writing came to my rescue I started writing to pay tribute to my beloved wife and to do justice to that I continued readingMy writing also brought me facetoface with the fact that I wasnt alone and I really wasnt the only person suffering I realised that everyone was fighting their own battles This aided my recuperation and appreciating life again And through the complete experience my first book You Are the Best friend was born What the book also did for me was help me appreciate and savour the shortlived but beautiful life we my wife and I had together While I still live alone I have become more open to experiencing life and people I understand what having a good friend in your life can do The freedom to lay all your emotions feelings and struggles in front of that person can soothe your heartParin Sam Mojia Homemaker 88Has lived alone in a Grant Road apartment since her husband passed onMy life turned upside down when my loving husband Sam passed away 10 years ago It also changed me as a person Until then we would do everything together My husband never enjoyed socialising or going out shopping yet he made those exceptions for meNow here I was all by myself In the beginning I really didnt know what to do I remember how Id keep getting recurring dreams of him where hed tell me Parin come join me Im so bored You know what I fear more than loneliness Death I dont want to die and if that meant upsetting my dead husband and not joining him in heaven I was ready for that I still had so many dreams to fulfil I wanted to see my two sons settled well and my grandchildren married so how could I leave just yet And so instead of crying or being sad I decided to enjoy my lifeAnd thats been my mantra since My son who lives nearby comes and visits me every morning In fact he has his workstation here in my house But after he goes late in the afternoon it can get lonely I dont like that feeling and to avoid that I make it a point to dress up in my finest and get out of home every evening I usually visit the fire temple and then go to the bazaar at Grant Road and engage in some small talk with the vegetable vendors or hawkers I even dont spare the beggars I really like talking because it helps occupy my mindPeople wonder how a lady of my age is so sprightly but thats because I am determined not to fall apart When I come home in the evening I am either watching television or talking to my parrot Mithu who was gifted to by my son nine years ago She is a great companion and friend On Sundays I go for a movie with my niece I absolutely adore Salman Khan and compulsorily visit Catholic Gymkhana to play housie Yes I am quite a big gambler but if you have to be happy you have to find things to keep you in good spiritsI dont allow feelings of loneliness to engulf me If I am scared especially in the night I sleep with the lights on and pray to God Several years ago my motherinlaw had advised me that if I ever felt sad I should just look into the mirror and smile Parin that way you will be the happiest she had said Oh What a great remedy that is Life should be lived like that Enjoy it to the fullest so that you have zero regrets Nothing including loneliness can then take you downCatch up on all the latest Mumbai news current affairs from Mumbai local news crime news and breaking headlines hereDownload the new midday Android and iOS apps to get updates on all the latest and trending stories on the go