‘I didn’t want to look sad’

What does a rape survivor have to look like to be believedThe question has acquired renewed urgency after the Bombay High Court overturned the 2021 acquittal of former Tehelka editorinchief Tarun Tejpal convicting him in the 2013 sexual assault case In doing so the court sharply criticised the Goa trial courtrsquos approach to the complainantrsquos behaviour including its reliance on assumptions about how a survivor should respond to sexual assault The High Court rejected the notion that a survivorrsquos credibility can be measured against a template of fear distress or ldquoappropriaterdquo behaviourAvnika Singh a single mother copes with her emotional trauma via fitness PicNishad AlamThat template of the ldquoideal victimrdquo is familiar far beyond the courtroom Why did she wait to report Why did she continue speaking to him Why did she go back to work Why did she look normal Why could nobody tell that she went through trauma The questions often shift attention from the alleged perpetrator to the womanrsquos conductResearch and guidance on sexual violence have repeatedly warned against precisely these assumptions UN Women notes that victims who recount assaults in a detached manner can be viewed as less credible while women are routinely judged for their clothing sexuality lifestyle or where they were when the assault occurredUN Women notes that women who appear to be functional and detached after an assault are often viewed as less credible PiciStockBut trauma does not always look like trauma A woman survivor can cry freeze dissociate withdraw mdash or she can carry on with her day Sometimes looking fine is not evidence that nothing happened A blog by Avery Lane Womenrsquos Rehab points out why women treat trauma differently ldquoTrauma interacts with the expectations and pressures women face in daily liferdquo it states ldquoMany women are socialised to ignore their own needs avoid conflict and keep relationships intact even when they feel unsaferdquoAnd this is exactly what Avnika Singh and Rubina Saha namechanged went through in different circumstancesLast week founder editor of Tehelka magazine was convicted by Bombay High Court for raping one of his junior female colleagues in 2013ldquoI donrsquot want that victim mentality I want to live my own life Irsquom very resilient that wayrdquo says 29yearold marketeer and single mother Avnika Singh Her appearing fine was not an indication that she was not hurting In October 2024 days after delivering her daughter Singh went through heartbreak followed by emotional abuse by her ex She describes the period that followed as one of depression postpartum recovery and emotional abandonment but says very few people around her knew what she was going throughldquoI have been taking care of myself so muchrdquo she says Singh threw herself into fitness clean eating an executive MBA during maternity leave a new job and marathons She deliberately keeps her daughter off social media and says that even people she knows do not realise she is a mother Her outward appearance she says concealed the extent of her traumaldquoI donrsquot want to look sadrdquo she explains ldquoI have made myself do a hundred thingsrdquo Singh also recalls being blamed by her family members and peers because she did not ldquolook sadrdquo enough At her lowest point she says she had suicidal thoughts and once wanted to jump from the 37th floor Therapy work and rebuilding her life became ways of copingHowever sometimes domestic abuse is also invisible to society ldquoI couldnrsquot tell anyone about it because I had to call it abuse before that to myselfrdquo says 31yearold Rubina Saha who spent eight years in a domestically violent and financially abusive relationship For years the abuse existed alongside what looked like an otherwise functional life Saha continued working and providing for both herself and her ex even as she experienced emotional and physical abuse describing her state as a ldquofunctional freezerdquoThe violence escalated from being pushed and having her hand shoved away to being kicked in the stomach and choked Over the course of the relationship she recalls being pinned against a wall and slapped repeatedly Her ex also remained persistent in not using protection during sex resulting in her undergoing two abortions ldquoIt was like he wanted to discipline me sexually at timesrdquoYet it was not her own family who recognised what was happening The intervention came unexpectedly from those who knew the violence firsthand mdash her former partnerrsquos family members Three years ago they sat Saha down and asked if she was okay Having themselves experienced abuse they recognised the subtle signs that others had missed ldquoThatrsquos when I was able to get out of the relationshiprdquo she saysWhat stays with Saha is the contrast ldquoLooking at me my abuserrsquos family members could see that Irsquom going through something but my own folks couldnrsquot see that Irsquom going through it That was the most heartbreaking part for merdquo Her experience also complicates the idea of what an abused woman is expected to look like She kept working functioning and appearing outwardly capable even while living in a state of fear and dissociationldquoWhen you create this sort of disillusionment and a fear bubble for a person you are disconnected from your main realityrdquo Saha says ldquoPeople around me thought that I am either behaving erratically or smoking so much that Irsquom losing my mind that kind of a stupid thingrdquolsquoHuman memory is not a recording devicersquoAdvocate Pooja Dongre explains the mechanisms of how a court looks at a survivor and the circumstances around herAdv Pooja DongreFor Advocate Pooja Dongre a practising advocate in Mumbai the law does not prescribe a particular way for a survivor to behave after sexual assault A woman may report immediately remain silent continue working maintain contact with the accused or appear emotionally composed ldquoThe correct approach in my view is not to ask lsquoHow should a victim have behavedrsquo but rather lsquoWhat does the entire evidence on record establishrsquordquoDelayed reporting she explains is a circumstance courts can examine but it is not automatically fatal to a prosecution Fear stigma family pressure financial dependence threats and the psychological difficulty of approaching the criminal justice system can all contribute to delayThe same applies to continued contact with an accused ldquoHuman behaviour after trauma is complex A survivor may continue contact because of an existing relationship emotional dependence family circumstances financial dependence fear pressure social circumstances or simply because she is trying to continue her ordinary liferdquo she says Dongre cautions against treating subsequent communication as proof of consent or fabricationShe also stresses the distinction between minor inconsistencies and contradictions that affect the core of a case ldquoHuman memory is not a recording devicerdquo she says particularly when an incident is traumatic Ultimately Dongre says courts must balance sensitivity towards survivors with the accusedrsquos right to a fair trial ldquoSensitivity does not mean lowering the standard of proof and a fair trial does not mean subjecting a survivor to stereotypical assumptionsrdquolsquoTrauma can affect your gut healthrsquoNutritionist Aditi Prabhu points out how trauma and sexual abuse creep into your body due to stress and affect your gut and appetiteAditi PrabhuFor Aditi Prabhu a clinical and sports dietician and founder of NutroDynamix the effects of sexual trauma can continue in the body even when a survivor appears to be functioning normallyPrabhu explains that trauma activates the bodyrsquos stress response including the HPA axis and changes in cortisol and other hormones Because of the connection between the brain and gut prolonged stress can affect digestion gut motility and appetite while also aggravating gut conditions affecting immunity and blood pressureA survivor may continue working and socialising normally while experiencing changes that others cannot see ldquoTrauma can show up as physiological behavioural and psychological responses It can affect your gut healthrdquo she says citing disturbed sleep hypervigilance changes in appetite headaches and body aches among possible responses ldquoAs a dietician traumatic experiences are rarely something that comes up in nutrition consultation So creating a safe nonjudgmental space is important especially because many people donrsquot realise the physiological impact of traumardquoDetailed historytaking is therefore crucial Symptoms that appear unrelated can sometimes reveal ldquothe missing pieces of the jigsaw puzzlerdquo behind physical and physiological struggles that surfaced long after the trauma itselflsquoCarrying on is usually the responsersquoCounselling psychologist Akshada Anikhindi explains how survivors often dissociate and continue with their daily life before being able to address itAkshada AnikhindiThe expectation that trauma must be visible is precisely what makes survivors who appear ldquonormalrdquo so easy to doubt says Akshada Anikhindi counselling psychologist at The Candid Therapist ldquoCarrying on is usually the response not the absence of onerdquo she explains Survivors may dissociate compartmentalise or simply continue with daily life because acknowledging what happened can feel too overwhelmingAnikhindi recalls discovering a photograph from a 2019 work party in which a senior colleague had his hand on her backside She had no memory of the incident despite remembering the evening as a pleasant one She says her mind had effectively separated the two realities because acknowledging the assault would have meant confronting someone she admired and continuing to work around him ldquoThe mind removes what would cost too much to knowrdquo she saysThe impact however can surface through the body through disturbed sleep tension digestive problems panic attacks or an unexplained intolerance to certain touches or smells Sometimes the story emerges only months or years laterldquoSo no delay says nothing about whether it was real The mind postpones what it cannot afford to feel and presents the bill when circumstances allowrdquo Anikhindi says A survivor may remain functional for years before feeling safe enough to confront what happened ldquoWhat was delayed was the feeling not the factrdquo she says ldquoThe harm was complete on the day it happenedrdquolsquoNobody can tell what happened with mersquoNeha Kumari a transwoman has experienced two cases of sexual assault which she has not shared with anyone yetI am fine nowrdquo says 26yearold Neha Kumari a transwoman from Jharkhand who lives alone in Mumbai and is looking for work But behind that seemingly simple statement are two incidents of sexual assault that she has kept completely to herselfA while ago while working a night shift for Instamart Kumari says a man around 45 sexually assaulted her forcefully putting his hands inside her clothes and kissing herSix months ago she says another man dragged her into a store and forced her to perform oral sex ldquoI begged him to let me gordquo she says adding that she never consentedKumari told only her lawyer about the second incident who advised her to file a police complaint But being alone in Mumbai with limited money and no parents or strong support system she says she could not bring herself to do soldquoI am scared people will laugh at me for letting this happen I donrsquot want to tell anyone around me because once people know that you are a survivor of sexual assault they look at you differentlyrdquo she says ldquoThatrsquos why I am hiding everything about thisrdquoTo those around her she confides ldquoNobody can tell what happened to merdquolsquoThey expect a victim to look a certain wayrsquoDirector of NGO Majlis Audrey DrsquoMello talks about how survivors are judged in court on the basis of how they behaved after the incidentAudrey DrsquoMelloAudrey DrsquoMello director of Majlis lauds the Bombay High Courtrsquos intervention in the Tarun Tejpal case She calls it significant as it challenges the assumptions that had shaped the Goa Sessions Courtrsquos treatment of the survivor Majlis an allwomen team of lawyers and social workers working primarily on domestic violence and sexual abuse had supported the survivor when her statement was recorded in MumbaiDrsquoMello says the Sessions Courtrsquos reliance on the survivorrsquos past sexual history and telephone records was deeply disappointing ldquoIt was really disappointing the way the Goa Sessions Court went into a past history and made so many derogatory commentsrdquo she says The High Court she notes emphasised that a survivor cannot be expected to ldquolook a certain wayrdquo and that her past sexual history should not determine how her allegation is assessedAccording to DrsquoMello this expectation extends beyond sexual assault trials ldquoThey expect a victim to look a certain wayrdquo she says adding that women can be blamed simply because they do not display the expected characteristics of a victimThe pressure begins long before the courtroom ldquoThis treatment doesnrsquot start at the courtroom it starts way beforerdquo she says pointing to insensitive treatment at police stations and during medical examinations For many survivors reporting can mean confronting shame guilt family pressure and even being blamed for ldquobreakingrdquo the family apart