The kid you leave behind

For a child home is supposed to be the one place where the world feels steady But what happens when the people who make that home are themselves struggling to stay together And what happens when a child grows up watching that relationship fracture right in front of their eyesThe questions have acquired a tragic hue after the deaths of 19yearold Kunal Chandgude and his parents at Khavdya Hill in Chhatrapati Sambhajinagar last week Initially reported as a dispute over an iPhone police are now examining serious differences within the family Relatives have claimed that Kunal was deeply affected by his parentsrsquo strained relationship and wanted to see them together Police have also revealed that Kunal had attempted suicide at the same spot last year but was talked down by two constablesSo how much of parentsrsquo relationship do children carry with them Divorce can bring grief instability and divided loyalties staying together amid hostility can expose children to years of conflict and emotional distress A 2019 metaanalysis published in the Journal of Psychiatric Research examining 54 studies involving more than 5 lakh participants found that people who had experienced parental divorce had higher odds of several mental health difficulties later in life including depression anxiety psychological distress suicidal ideation and suicide attemptsAanchal Narang spent 10 years in therapy where she was diagnosed with complex PTSD PicAtul KambleldquoI never had a support system or ever understood what friendships were as a childrdquo says Aanchal Narang She is a 32yearold psychologist and founder of Another Light Counselling and cofounder of 180 Method Her parents separated when she was five and divorced when she was 17 but during those years she found herself becoming her motherrsquos caregiver as her mother struggled with severe untreated mental health issues and alcoholism ldquoThere is this term called parentification where a child has to become responsible for their parentrdquo she saysWith little support from her father and her mother emotionally dependent on her Narang learnt early to conceal her family situation at school At 12 when her mother was hospitalised as a result of a suicide bid she spent three weeks alone She says the experience profoundly affected her motivation to live ldquoI was suicidal for 15 years of my life till I was 25 years old That was a lot Those three weeks really changed my perspective of wanting to live and motivation to do sordquo she recalls ldquoI used to get hives or Urticaria basically these small rashes that happen to you externally and internally choking your wind pipe I had to be hospitalised twice It was because of all the stress of living around my motherrdquoNarang spent nearly 10 years in different forms of therapy before finding trauma therapy where she was diagnosed with complex PTSD CPTSD and began addressing the roots of her suicidal ideation Her experiences also shaped her professional journey eventually leading her to specialise in trauma therapy She says the impact extended into adulthood affecting her friendships and romantic relationships ldquoYou donrsquot know how to have a proper relationship You tend to go into toxic relationships with people because your parents didnrsquot give you loverdquoAttempting suicide 19yearold Kunal Chandgude fell off the cliff with his parents who were trying to help him at Khavdya Hill in Chhatrapati Sambhajinagar last week File picsShe eventually cut contact with both parents and moved out after becoming financially independent Today she runs Another Light Counselling partly to make traumafocused therapy more accessible particularly because specialised treatment can be expensiveFor Rumy Mathew name changed 30 growing up in a home where her parents remained married did not mean growing up in a peaceful one Her father whom she describes as traditional and controlling dictated where her mother could go and how the family lived ldquoMy father would hit us but then it was normalisedrdquo she recalls describing beatings that left marks on her skin and an incident when she was locked inside a hen house ldquoMy mom was also helpless because she was forced to quit her job when she had me She had no financial income after thatrdquo As the eldest of three daughters Mathew says she carried much of the emotional burden of the familyrsquos conflict ldquoI just wished my mother could have taken a step or done somethingrdquo Mathew breaks down as the memories overwhelm her ldquoBut we relied on him for our educationrdquoldquoI think this was one of the main reasons that I did not want to settle downrdquo she says fearing that a future partner could turn out like her father She also attempted suicide before eventually leaving home at 21 and moving to Mumbai where she began working through her anger and trauma ldquoWhenever I get angry I tell myself that I am not my fatherrdquo she says Her experiences made financial independence a priority even when it came at the expense of her mental health ldquoI sacrificed some of my happiness and emotions to just be financially secure so I donrsquot end up like my mother Additionally growing up in this environment did not allow me to mix with people well I did not date and almost developed a hatred for menrdquo she says However today she is engaged to her best friend as she has now healed her childhood traumaPiciStockHer story reflects findings from a 2008 study published in Child Development which found that childrenrsquos responses to parental conflict were associated with emotional difficulties behavioural problems and lower selfesteem Those effects followed Mathew into adulthood influencing her ability to trust and form relationships She returned to Goa two years ago to care for her mother and says that things have changedDivorce can be difficult but so can remaining in a household marked by persistent conflict ldquoI feel like I would have gotten the help I needed if my parents were together because then there would be an adult to see what my mother was going through instead of ten year old merdquo Narang concludesWhatrsquos the case aboutKunal ChandgudeOn August 21 18yearold Kunal Chandgude and his parents Murlidhar and Sangita died at Khavdya Hill in Tisgaon Chhatrapati Sambhajinagar According to the initial police account Kunal went to the hill after an argument with his parents over an iPhone and its EMI payments He reportedly threatened to die by suicide prompting his parents villagers police and firefighters to spend nearly three hours trying to persuade him to step away from the cliff When Kunal jumped his father tried to save him causing both to fall Sangita after witnessing their deaths also fell from the hillHowever the case has since taken a more complicated turn as broader tensions between Murlidhar and Sangita come to light Police are examining possible family discord while old social media videos by Sangita have surfaced Police have also reportedly learnt that Kunal had attempted suicide at the same spot in 2025 but was stopped by two constables The precise circumstances and motivation behind the tragedy remain under investigationIndiarsquos divorce ratesIn the last 30 years there has been a rise in divorce rates in India According to research conducted by the Ministry of Statistics and Programme Implementation MOSPI the divorce rate increased from 11 per cent in 2001 to 16 per cent in 2011 However India still continues to have the lowest divorce rates in the worldlsquoEnvironment at home mattersrsquoSaroj Kamble a social worker says conflict at home mdash and not just divorce mdash is one of the core reasons for mental instability among teenagersSaroj KambleAt Creative Handicrafts Saroj Kamble is the Project Officer and Head of Community Development Programmes for Children and Women She explains that the impact of a troubled family cannot be reduced to whether parents are legally divorced ldquoBecause the real variable isnrsquot divorce itself but the environmentrdquoKamble says children respond differently to these circumstances ldquoSome children do good for themselves and try to come out of that situation While other familiesrsquo children fall into addiction fail studies become severely depressed They tend to fall prey to social evilsrdquo She stresses that a childrsquos experience is shaped by several factors ldquoA childrsquos experience is shaped by a web of factors their age how securely theyrsquore attached to each parent whether they have siblings to lean on their temperament and maturity the stability of their school and friend circle and how the adults around them talk about whatrsquos happeningrdquoIn homes where conflict continues she says ldquoTherersquos a particular kind of exhaustion that comes from living inside unresolved conflictrdquo Some children turn their pain outward through anger and rebellion while others internalise it ldquoSome develop a reflex to want to disappear mdash physically leaving the house or emotionally checking outrdquoUltimately Kamble believes children need ldquoconsistent trusted adults outside the conflict professional support where possible and stability in the small thingsrdquo mdash including routines school and friendships Above all she says children should never be made ldquoa confidant messenger or spy between parentsrdquolsquoChildren are used as weaponsrsquoFamily law advocate Krisha Chheda explains that children are the most vulnerable during custody battles as they are often used as weapons in fightsKrisha ChhedaFor family law advocate Krisha Chheda children can become the unintended casualties of a divorce battle ldquoIt is sad but one canrsquot deny that children often get caught in the middle of both parents amidst conflictsrdquo she says ldquoChildren are sometimes used as weapons in those fightsrdquo In custody and visitation disputes she says children may be exposed to hostile language made to feel responsible for their parentsrsquo fights or pushed into taking sides ldquoThey are forced to become mature at a very young age The innocence gets lost in the processrdquoIndiarsquos custody framework is largely guided by the best interests and welfare of the child but prolonged litigation can itself become another source of instability A 2023 case series from NIMHANS examining four children from separated or divorced families referred for mentalhealth evaluation in the context of familycourt disputes documented instances of children rejecting or denigrating one parent amid parental conflict The researchers described this as parental alienation and stressed that such disputes can affect childrenrsquos mental healthChheda draws a distinction between conflictridden separation and mutually agreed separation ldquoChildren of parents who separate mutually are usually less troubledrdquo she says adding that coparenting can teach children ldquohealthy conflict resolutionrdquo But where fighting and abuse continue ldquothey absorb all the negativityrdquo Some may eventually replicate those patterns in their own relationships she says while untreated distress can leave them ldquoemotionally unavailablerdquo as adults ldquoSometimes the constant stress and tension in the family results in a lot of health problems at a very young age as wellrdquolsquoHome is meant to be their safe spacersquoChild and family psychiatrist Zirak Marker says that children often feel torn when they have to choose sides during parental conflictsZirak MarkerChild and family psychiatrist Zirak Marker states that the effects of prolonged parental conflict can begin with the loss of a childrsquos sense of safety ldquoTheir whole world is their home environment meant to be a safe space for their teenage yearsrdquo he says But when that foundation becomes toxic ldquoa lot of complexities develop throughout their social and emotional wellbeingrdquo Marker says children can experience a phenomenon called ldquosplittingrdquo where they feel psychologically torn between parents ldquoThey internally feel like they have to start making a choice or choose a side without understanding itrdquo Yet he adds ldquoA kid always wants to be neutralrdquo Being caught between parents can therefore become a significant source of anxiety particularly when the home environment is unpredictableldquoThat is the start of an anxiety disorder that even a nine or 10yearold child can go throughrdquo Marker explains Prolonged stress can leave the autonomic nervous system hyperresponsive repeatedly triggering the bodyrsquos fightorflight response ldquoSometimes the child develops psychosomatic symptomsrdquo he says which can manifest as headaches skin or gastric problemsldquoWhen yoursquore young and there is conflict the parents have so much emotional turmoil they forget to implement healthy parenting styles with their childrenrdquo This can lead to negative parenting over minor issues such as homework ldquoThatrsquos when the kid perceives it to be their faultrdquo he says