Twinkle Khanna on leaving Bollywood, her new book and more

It was 2001 Twinkle Khanna was at Juhursquos Hotel Sea Princess waiting to get into the skin of Tina add lsquoBabarsquo to that and you get the nickname her father gave her incidentally Itrsquos the character she played in GovindaSanjay Dutt starrer Jodi No 1 While Dutt on his ninth take tried to gingerly match steps with his dream dancer colleague Twinkle sat in a corner Monica Bedi not yet infamous was busy with the makeup boyTwinkle Khanna will chase her abouttolaunch debut title Mrs Funnybones with a collection of short stories some of which she has already fleshed out PicRane AshishI was a rookie on that set I tell her in 2015 banished to a film unit on a punishment assignment I remember her bored ldquoReallyrdquo she says twisting her flamehued hair in a chord before it suddenly unfurls like a corde lisse moveldquoBut I had fun on that set Irsquod already decided I was quitting films so there was no pressure And Govinda I was genuinely fond ofrdquo She nudges the plate of aloo tikki closer to a teacup that holds masala chai to rival what the Gujaratis fondly call Bhattnicha Not a fivestar executive suite or the conference room of a production house Khanna meets me at home Itrsquos one of many decisions I am to realise that have her stand apart from lsquothe industryrsquoTwinkle Khanna with Sonakshi Sinha at her interiors store The White WindowThe duplex kissing a raging monsoon sea sits on the other side of a cobalt wooden gate The front door is far from celebrityshielding All glass it offers unhindered access to the family she holds precious and the art she collects Itrsquos also the cocoon that Khanna dips into mdash sometimes bares mdash in the lines of her satirical semifictional newspaper columnsTaking potshots at government policy public hypocrisy choice in luxury bags even at herself she has raced to publishing potential in less than two years On Tuesday she will release her first book Mrs Funnybones structured on her columns Itrsquos another 200odd pages of a partial peep into the design entrepreneur serial columnist occasional society lady and fulltime motherrsquos lifeTwinkle Khanna PicRane AshishldquoExcuse me for a minuterdquo she says taking her twoyearold daughter from the nannyrsquos arms Letting her stay curled into her lap she speaks into the phonersquos voice recorder The child is running a fever and battling nausea but takes a fancy to the cookies lined up like soldiers before me ldquoShould I let herrdquo Khanna asks getting me twitchy over a call about a twoyearoldrsquos health I nod Itrsquos extending access into her innermost world mdash perhaps in return for direct private opinion on her frank question ldquowhy lovely Parsi girls like you take so long to marryrdquoForthrightness she seems to delight in And those who wish to survive in her universe better do tooAamir Khan she has known for years She has thought of him as both terrific performer and short man When she was being put under during her last pregnancy the doctor asked her to imagine a scene involving someone she likes ldquoLater he told me I was shrieking about Aamir and his heightrdquo she laughsAkshay Kumar posted this picture on Twitter of a drive through Nice France with TwinkleBoth the doctor and the superstar are special guests at Tuesdayrsquos book launchEdited excerpts from the interviewQ Itrsquos an odd question to start with but legitimate given the curiosity Some people are wondering does Twinkle write her own columnA I donrsquot laughs Okay three things I donrsquot blame them My name is Twinkle Thatrsquos the first obstacle I face when I wish that people see me as smart Second I am from Bollywood And I am a woman Do people think women from Bollywood arenrsquot smart I donrsquot let it bother me I write and tweet exactly the way I speak so anyone who has met me knows this is me writing Irsquom too old to prove myself And what would the purpose of this be I have been trying to run away from the spotlight for 15 years because I was trying to get famous then and have succeeded now Sounds like a bad PR planQ How did you discover you could writeA The last time I wrote before the column gig happened was in my teens I had half a book and a bunch of morbid poems about earthworms and death I am a voracious reader like my mother Two years ago an editor I know well said you crack lame jokes and read incessantly Why not try a humour column I kicked that one off and another paper came saying shift the column Now I write for bothQ Is there pressure in being a national columnistA I had a job and my family I had enough to do When you are born in the glare of spotlight you donrsquot seek it I have been married for what15 years There was no game plan When opportunities came I said yes but it wasnrsquot a career move I am happy writing It has taken over my yoga practice I disappear inside my own head which is wonderful Thatrsquos what they call mindlessnessQ And you work on your writingA I never submit the first draft Sometimes I let it sit for two weeksQ And when did you realise itrsquos working that you are kicking up a buzzA When my mother approved Earlier Irsquod call her up excited and discuss an idea and shersquod say ldquoWell but I visited your home the other day and there were fingerprints on your glass lightsrdquo When her friends came to her to say they like what I write she got excited And yes when Akshay went out to promote his films and people asked him about Mrs Funnybones he came back saying ldquoItrsquos all about yourdquo giggles When I started I would read all my columns out to my son and hersquod give me lsquomarksrsquoQ Was the format part current affairspart peek into a celebrsquos semifictional life well consideredA There are lots of issues that I need to thread together in one piece The diary format makes that possible Also most of us suffer from ADD This way itrsquos easier to write and read than if ploughing through a long deep piece I did do a long one on menstruation and another on miscarriage though I am a feminist by default because I grew up in a home of working women So in fact having to mould myself to suit a traditional family setup was more challenging I started working when I was 16 I donrsquot know any other way of lifeQ How much of the column is realA The characters are exaggerated caricatures Itrsquos satire but most of it stems from what I see around me and the stuff thatrsquos said When I was writing the book my editor said write more about Bollywood I canrsquot I am in the midst of this crazy hurricane but itrsquos not something that interests meQ Do you find that oddA No My kids who have movie star parents and grandparents are normal too The father is pretty normal so my son sees all sides to life He will experience a private jet but we also fly economyQ So does the man of the house really swing the mudgal around his head at dawn and did the cousin actually go for a mata ki chowki when she was chumming and cause the idolrsquos dupatta to fall on a diya and go boomA Yes I could show you Akshayrsquos wooden instrumentsQ What does he think of your writingA He reads all of it because he has to cleanse it edit out the offensive bits He is the letrsquosnothaveamorchaoutsideourhome checker Even with the last piece BJPrsquos porn ban he suggetsed I remove the word lsquolotusrsquoQ Did that bother youA No Because my problem has always been what not to say The good thing about writing is that you can rework it Sometimes itrsquos just a matter of one wordQ Mrs Funnybones is nothing like man of the house He likes beetroot juice she wafflesA Yes Akshay and I are different He doesnrsquot like books I do I barely see movies he sees them all the time He is strong and fit and could have been an athlete if not a movie star Irsquom not Our backgrounds are different But somehow we agree on how we see the world whatrsquos right and wrong It has taken us time to get here of course Initially the differences were bothersomeQ And you seem fine portraying yourself thus You are okay napping in the balcony when your kids are nagging you for foodA You are asking me this on a day when I havenrsquot slept the previous night because I was up with my daughter who was throwing up There is the perfect mother which I am not And there is the goodenough mother which I am I donrsquot make a daily colourcoded schedule chart for the kids like some moms in the schoolrsquos chat group do I told them just send me a copy please When my son was younger I was working a lot mdash doing 11 projects a year And he grew okay with it Once he had to go dressed as Ook and Gluk to school and I forgot I slipped him into my brown offshoulder dress tied a belt and set him off The rest of the kids were professionally dressed I asked him if they wondered if he was wearing his motherrsquos dress and he said ldquoI donrsquot carerdquo That was greatQ Whatrsquos the feedback to the columnsA I got flak for writing about Aarushi a book that discussed how a court case that went haywire after the murder of Aarushi Talwar Readers felt I was sensationalising a young girlrsquos death And then again for the fat women column In my head I am fat so I was considering myself one of them But they didnrsquot see me like thatQ What about the industryA Earlier they thought I was rude and blunt Now they see my writing as funny and cool Once I went up to this very famous older actress who was looking lovely and said ldquoYou are looking gorgeous Do you sleep with your head hanging off your bedrdquo She was horrified Usually Akshay keeps me in check Irsquove been outspoken since I was little It was a disadvantage in Bollywood Not that I didnrsquot get work because of it That happened because I am a bad actressQ You name names in the column like Neelam who was carrying the Louis Vuitton bag to the Pali Hill hawkers protest Are you careful about who you pickA I called her to say so When you write you get to refine your thoughts so allrsquos wellQ The blurb to the book says your brain missed being bludgeoned to peasize by Bollywood Was it really a bloody waste of timeA It didnrsquot teach me to act But I had fun I met the man I would make a family with If I had skipped that segment I wouldnrsquot have missed much though I wouldrsquove been a chartered accountant somewhere I was a math geek who aced every numbers examQ Often you speak of society ladies as lsquothemrsquo And then the next month you are in Vogue in a Roberto Cavalli How do you make peace with the contradictionA I go into that world but pop back out Earlier Irsquod rebel Irsquod say why do I have to get my hair done wear brands to be at a party Then I decided let me do it and have fun I have made peace with being lsquoappropriatersquo But I am not prisoner to it A day at a shoot is a holiday for me A chance to get made up get a few extra pictures with my kids I am the most reluctant model I can offer three expressions mdash sparkling smile Japanese zombie and hostage look If I got one cover in a year Irsquod be gratefulQ And yoursquod be concerned if the calls stopped comingA Maybe if I got nothing in three years It hasnrsquot happened yet If it does Irsquoll know I am getting oldQ Yoursquove dedicated the book to your father Did he share your interest in writingA I saw a Facebook post by his friend Neena Arora that said that although he never got my macabre poems he read them And I was like wow He thought I was too blunt sharp temperamental Exactly like him actually We are born on the same dayQ You get your humour from himA From my maternal grandparents and aunts We crack up at the oddest thingsQ In your writing a tight spot suddenly dissolves into a comic moment Like with the police complaint over unbuttoning Akshayrsquos jeans on ramp Is that how you tackle lifersquos struggles tooA I donrsquot take too many things too seriouslyQ Will the next book be a funnyA Irsquove started writing it They are short stories based on women some funny some not