I am a 25-year-old woman with a pretty good career. I think I’m smart and confident, and not bad-looking, but no one asks me out. I have asked my friends if they think there’s something wrong with me, and they say I intimidate guys in ways I don’t understand. I am not full of myself, so I don’t think I am doing anything out of the ordinary when I go on a date, but I never get called for a second or third date. This didn’t bother me much when I was younger, but it’s starting to make me doubt myself and I find myself hesitating a lot more when I meet someone new. It’s affecting how I behave, and I find myself second-guessing everything I say or do, which makes me feel like I’m pretending to be someone I’m not. What should I do?
Start by having a little more faith in yourself and accept that it takes time to meet someone who genuinely wants to get to know you. It’s like trying to make new friends, which is harder as one gets older simply because it requires an investment of time and energy from two people. If you second-guess yourself, you won’t be able to rely on your reserves of confidence, nor will you be putting forth an authentic version of yourself. This may lead to a second or third date, and even a relationship, but it will be limited because it will be built upon a fabrication. It’s hard not to doubt yourself when you feel alone, but you have to trust that meeting someone and getting to know them takes time. If your friends believe you intimidate men, the problem lies in the people you’re dating because you aren’t being anything other than yourself. Accept that this won’t change overnight, practice some relaxation techniques that allow you to treat a date a little less seriously, and believe that you just haven’t met someone who wants to take the time to understand you yet.

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