I feel bad about leaving abusive ex!

I was in an abusive relationship for three years, until I finally left. My partner had a hold on me that was difficult to break, and I struggled with it for a long time. I still feel bad about leaving him, which makes no sense because I know I am better off without him in my life. He is still in touch and, whenever we chat, I am tempted to go back to him. I want to stop being so dependent on attention from him and want to be able to move on. At the same time, I am afraid because I don’t think I have been able to put the trauma of that relationship behind me. I want to find someone who genuinely loves me and cares about me, but I am afraid of falling into a similar pattern and being abused all over again. How do I gain the confidence I need to be able to pull myself up and move on? What if I can never manage to get into a healthy, successful relationship again?
Everything you are feeling is, as you point out, a symptom of the trauma you have been put through. It takes a long time for anyone in an abusive relationship to recover their sense of self-worth, and the dependence you feel towards your ex-partner is also part of that problem. The only way forward is to acknowledge that you have been through something difficult, consider speaking to a professional who may be able to help you with developing coping mechanisms, and recognise that this not going to be a quick fix. It’s okay to be dependent, to feel insecure, and to worry about any potential new relationship. It’s also important to recognise, however, that these feelings will be resolved, and that there will come a point where you will meet someone and find a new way of engaging not just with that person but with your past. It’s evolution, and maturity, and everything that we refer to as ‘growing up.’ 

The inbox is now open to take your most carnal and amorous queries. Send your questions on email to lovedoc@mid-day.com