I have been close friends with someone who constantly makes me feel as if I am not good enough for her. She says I don’t support her and that I am not there when she needs me the most, but I suspect the opposite is true. I am always there when she is upset about something, but she has never been with me when I have been depressed or troubled about something. Whenever I try and tell her this, she accuses me of turning the tables and making this about me. I am very confused because I have thought about this carefully and I’m sure I am right, but if I can’t get her to see things from my perspective, she will always blame me, and I will always come across as the bad friend. What can I do to change this equation between us? I love her a lot and want us to be friends for the rest of our lives, but this needs to change if we are to get to that stage. I don’t think she values this friendship as much as I do.
You’re right about your friend not valuing this relationship because everything you say about her makes it sound as if she is constantly gaslighting you. She is entitled to thinking of you as a poor friend, but you are entitled to feeling the way you do too, and her inability to acknowledge it, let alone accept it and decide to make changes to her behaviour, proves that there is an imbalance here that isn’t going to be fixed anytime soon. You may want this to be a lifelong friendship, but that will not happen until you both confront the reality of this dynamic and do what it takes to make it work. If she keeps this up, I’m afraid you will have to get used to the idea that this isn’t a person willing to accept you or your feelings unconditionally. That is not what a strong friendship is about.

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