‘She compares me to her ex!’

My girlfriend tends to attack me when we’re arguing by comparing me with her ex-boyfriend. This has been going on for over a year and hasn’t stopped despite my discomfort. She says he was kinder, more considerate, and a better person than I am. She knows this hurts me a lot and I always tend to forgive her because I recognise that she is doing this out of anger. She says she doesn’t mean it. At the same time, these attacks make me question a lot of things and erode our relationship in ways I haven’t been able to fully understand or process. It’s pain without any positive outcome, which is not a good sign for our future together. She apologises whenever we sort out our issues, but I want her to be able to have any argument without resorting to personal attacks. If she can’t manage this, I worry that there will come a time when I just end this relationship. How do I know she isn’t genuinely missing her ex?
You’re right about these comments causing pain and having an adverse impact on your relationship because these comparisons don’t do anything constructive. If she can’t acknowledge that and do something about it, she is assuming you’re insecure about this relationship and is using that against you. It’s a sign that you both have things to resolve, not just in terms of communication but on the question of where you both want this to go. If you’re thinking about a future together, you will have to both commit to it more consciously, and this will involve creating boundaries about what can or can’t be said. Arguments can be helpful when they aren’t causing pain, and there’s no reason why you should both fail to change your method of resolving differences. Talk about the future more and use that to shape how you treat each other in the present. 

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