'I don't know if I am emotionally ready to invest in a relationship': Deepika Padukone

Deepika Padukone is shooting for Farah Khanrsquos Happy New Year at Mehboob Studios We sit inside her stateofthe art vanity van which also has an inbuilt kitchen ldquoShe has designed it herself because she stays in this mobile home for long hours It is her second homerdquo one of her staff members tells us As we speak however Deepika walks in and promptly greets us with her trademark flashbulb of a smile Looking like a million dollars she tells us how she still cannot believe how great this year has been so far Excerpts from the interview that followed After a spate of forgettable films Deepika Padukone is basking in the limelight with her myriad performances in Cocktail Yeh Jawaani Hai Deewani Chennai Express and Goliyon Ki Rasleela RamLeela Very rarely in Hindi films is a heroinersquos performance lauded as in Goliyon Ki Raasleela RamLeela Thatrsquos quite a high isnrsquot it I am overjoyed seeing how the feedback has been Even though I wholeheartedly believed in RamLeela I really didnrsquot know what to expect from filmgoers When I woke up that Friday morning when it released my brand new phone kept hanging because the messages just wouldnrsquot stop I got so emotional with the appreciation that I was very close to breaking down every time anyone said anything nice I canrsquot begin to explain how it felt Six years ago you started with a bang with Om Shanti Om Then you went through a tough phase with some forgettable films Good to be back with a bang this year You know these six years I have been working non stop so I have not really had the time to sit down and analyse I donrsquot know why those films didnrsquot do well because as far as I know I did them with the same gusto same passion These six years have been tough and easy Easy because I was fortunate to get some good films and big banners Tough because my debut film was such a nice set up where I was protected so beautifully and presented so well and I assumed this is how it is going to be everywhere But then suddenly I found myself to be on my own The unit of my first film used to tell me that it would not be easy for me from my second film onwards but I didnrsquot listen to them I am like that Even when my parents tell me not to do something I go ahead and do it I have to learn from my own mistakes It was after a while that I realised this is not going to be such a smooth journey Nobody is going to spoonfeed you here Some things have changed over the years and I think the biggest change is that I have become more comfortable with myself as a person You mean you had to drop some inhibitions Maybe I have never been on a movie set before I did my debut film It is right on the sets that I understood the craft learnt to deal with the people and most of the time I have let my instinct do the judging for me I still rely a lot on my instinct I owe a lot of what I am today to my sports background You get defeated and you know what to learn from it You get a better sense of where you stand when you face defeat I should be grateful also to some fans who believed in me even when I didnrsquot believe in myself Everyone goes through bad phases but I remember the people who never questioned my decisions and loved me for who I am So for someone who comes from a different background is it tougher to deal with adulation Of course My life has changed over the past few years But even when people shower praises it will not go to my head Really within me nothing has changed But there is something else that has changed You were open about your personal relationship but now you are more cagey about it Did you regret being open I donrsquot think I regretted that I decided for myself that I donrsquot want to do that anymore Also right now I have nothing to talk about I am in this phase of my career where I have to spend all my energy on work When I seriously get involved with someone I will give a lot of myself emotionally I am scared to do that now I do not know whether I am emotionally ready to invest in a relationship right now The beauty of investing all your energy in your work is that it gives you back 100 per cent but in a relationship you are dependent on someone else So yes I am scared And I control myself But isnrsquot it easier said than done I am an emotional and extremely sensitive person When I get totally involved with someone I put myself wholeheartedly into the relationship I donrsquot believe in casual flings There are stories of Ranveer Singh and you being togetherhellipWe saw your on screen chemistry in RamLeela and it makes us want to believe in those storieshellip Laughing Sizzling isnrsquot it I think the beauty is that we didnrsquot know each other before the film We got to know each other through the process of doing this film I think the chemistry is because we have discovered each other as human beings and as actors through our work When I saw the film I was quite taken aback by our chemistryhellipI was likehellipuhmhellipthis is quitehellipwhatever you call ithellipintense Yes Intense For those of us who know how calm and composed you are in real life it comes as quite a surprise I mean the kind of passion shown in the film I think thatrsquos the beauty of being an actress I surprised myself that I could have outbursts of that kind in the film I have never experienced that kind of emotion in real life I felt very liberated Are you more restrained because of the kind of upbringing that you have had Possibly A lot of it comes from my parents They would tell us not to be impulsive absorb all kind of negativity and not give it back There are days I might be angry but I donrsquot break down too easily The conditioning has always been to be strong to internalise it and not to take it out on other people After becoming a star what do you miss the most I miss my family I am this single girl living in a city that I have not grown up in Other than the workload there is also this responsibility of running the house Also I donrsquot have anyone to go home to My parents had warned me that it is going to be difficult and at that time I had taken it lightly But now I know better But I have a great support system in my staff They are like my family here My family back home too has been such a support Some days I would feel really guilty but they have never questioned me about my absence In an industry where actresses are not paid at par with the actors do you think it is time for you to command a higher price I donrsquot know and it doesnrsquot matter Seriously I am not good with discussing money I have my agents who do this for me and I trust them It is not my department and I really donrsquot want to know