Papa don't preen

I wasnrsquot the only one to shift warily in my chair A couple of hundred 16yearolds darted sharp lsquoBe like thatrsquo glances to their parents My daughter included It was a month ago at the orientation morning for St Xavierrsquos College lsquofreshersrsquo And that neat line came from Fr Terence Quadros head of the campusrsquo counselling centre A classic Terryism as students dub each of this priestrsquos popular nuggets of advice But herersquos the rub Far from growing up with our children wersquore plunged in a skewed world where parents are no more parents How we moan that kids today become adult too quickly Yet cast around a bit and wake up to a startling bigger number of parents desperately trying to age down The signs are everywhere In an awry role reversal this game between the generations is played to precocious gain A 50yearoldrsquos son squirms on evenings an overeager dad brightly announces plans to go pub hopping with the boy and his friends ldquoIrsquom sick of him pretending hard that hersquos the life of the party He needs to get a life himselfrdquo the son confides to the pals his father wants to be so chummy with The consoling gang points out that at least his parents donrsquot befriend them on Facebook as theirs creepily do Psychoanalyst Nuzhat Khan offers an interesting take which weighs emotions with excesses ldquoWe know kids will be messy we know teenagers will be rebellious we know our children will grow up and leave us we know that all through life we face losses we canrsquot controlrdquo she explains ldquoPerhaps the refusal to age appropriately reflects our belief that by looking and behaving lsquoyoungrsquo we may not have to face those lossesrdquo Some of us were luckier I learnt to love having a mother who would walk into primary school PTA meetings in crisp cotton saris She stood out gracefully with a couple of others in a sea of figurehugging dresses and properly lsquo70s pantsuited mums along the convent corridor The first time she glided in draped in six metres of Finlay paisley Irsquod foolishly blurted once home ldquoDidnrsquot you look the oldest like thatrdquo The answer was even It always was with her Often with a question coolly bowled back to me ldquoMaybe I am the oldest anything the matter with looking who you arerdquo Nothing at all I gathered over the years Hoping Irsquove grown up with my own kids Meher Marfatia is the author of 10 books for children and two for parents She has mothered her own kids well past the terrible twos and almost past the troubled teens Reach her at mehermarfatiagmailcom lsquoAllow the young their youthrsquo Excerpts from an interview with Dr Jeanne Magagna Londonbased child psychotherapist Why according to you are parents and children insecure today Children need to cultivate the intellect and emotions they have without being pushed Pressure from parents and teachers makes them insecure Parents donrsquot know how to say lsquoNorsquo to themselves or to children and have unrealistic media roles to follow They are flooded with messages like lsquoBe rich be perfect be youthful to be successfulrsquo which denigrate the grace that fits older ages Itrsquos a frightening blurring of generation boundaries The line between is crucial Do you find more parents in competition with their children Your child needs the parent in you not friend Kids have enough buddies They are confused when adults cannot cope with allowing the young their youth Parents should acknowledge such chaotic feelings By superficially dressing and acting young by taking on boyfriends or girlfriends closer to their childrenrsquos age parents deprive kids of the wisdom expected and actually longed for from them MMu00a0