Experts tell you how to deal with your partner's past

Last week US President Donald Trumps exwife Ivana made headlines when she called herself first lady in an interview ahead of the launch of her memoir The real first lady Melania Trump didnt take this lying down putting out a sharply worded statement calling the formers comments attentionseeking and selfserving noiseThis incident begs the question what do you do when you have your partners tricky ex to deal with Alternatively what if youre the ex who has been wrongedDonald Trump with Melania his wife and first lady of the US PicsAFPNew and not so shiny Often the new person tends to get insecure with regard to the ex to the point where she becomes obsessed says Seema Hingorrany who has counselled couples as well as expartners through such a predicamentShe shares that last week a woman came to her with a problem stemming from a similar insecurity Her husband was going on a holiday with the children and since they live with their mother his exwife she was travelling with them The husband had done everything to reassure her that even if they ended up hanging out as a family on the holiday it didnt mean he was getting back with his ex But there was no consoling her She was getting anxiety attacks thinking about it she saysIvana TrumpIt is not just the new partner who has trouble dealing with the ex If youre the ex theres plenty that you could be doing wrong too whether intentionally or otherwise Consulting psychiatrist Dr Sagar Mundada says We had a couple come to us complaining that they werent getting along The man had been married before and the wife later revealed that the exwife had reached out to her on Facebook and they had started talking It turned out that this lady had been badmouthing the husband to the current wife mdash how he was nice in the initial years and then revealed his true colours mdash and the wife who was in a vulnerable position believed all thisHe explains that often exes react in this manner subconsciously either to seek revenge when they havent achieved closure or simply to try and win their lost love back especially in situations where the new person is the reason the relationship endedThis is not healthy If your relationship ended abruptly you need to seek closure and then decide if you want to remain friends with your ex If you cant manage that its best to cut off completely because it will end up being traumatic for you suggests MundadaSeema HingorranyTorn between the twoThe person that is caught between the ex and hisher new spouse plays a crucial role in maintaining the peace She needs to reassure the current partner that the past relationship has no chance of resurrection Similarly the new spouse needs to place a high level of trust in the partner Hingorrany adds that they must not resort to comparing the two Even if you think your exwife made better pasta or your exhusband was good at fixing things around the house does it really matter At the end of the day you still thought it prudent to split up rightIssues revolving around the ex tend to go deeper than just insecurity and badmouthing Dr Mundada shares Often the new partner is predisposed to think negatively about the ex a bias most often born out of what their husbandwife has said to them about this person At this juncture it is important for the new person to keep aside all biases and try to have a working relationship with the ex especially if children are involvedDr Sagar MundadaYou need to have a high level of acceptance and emotional maturity Dont be judgmental about a person you barely know At the end of the day you dont have to be best friends with the ex If you meet them at a family event maintain eye contact and be humble This shows that youre in control of the situation says HingorranyShe adds that children need to be kept above all the mudslinging The ex needs to be told in no uncertain terms that badmouthing the new partner will not help the kids If you want the children to be happy you need to move on and learn to be happy for your ex and hisher new partner