How close for comfort?

1 24X7 on call No calls texts and even Facebook tags lead people to believe that their relationship is doomed After all intimacy is all about getting clued into each otherrsquos thoughts 24X7 Intimacy is about giving each other space and rejuvenating the relationship by exploring your self If you have been mulling over that three times a week number Dr Chulani cajoles you to give the number no heed ldquoDo not believe what you hear People make up stories and comparing will leave you feeling inadequate Go with whatever amount is good for you Your frequency depends on variables that are not necessarily commonwith your friendsrdquo she says 2 Fit like a glove Intimacy can be bewildering when naturally perfect sex doesnrsquot happen If you werenrsquot made for each other in bed how will you keep that love and understanding alive after many years Doesnrsquot bedroom talk tell it all Dr Varkha Chulani shares ldquoNothing is more damaging that this idea Because with this myth when one has to lsquoworkrsquo at good sexual intimacy one gets agitated and upset because heshe expects it to not only be lsquonaturalrsquo but to also expects it to be perfect So sex is perfectly natural but rarely naturally perfectrdquo 3 Gone with the wind One might be reeling under the effect he has on one and experiencing a racing heartbeat whenever he is close but does that define a true connection Walker says ldquoEarly relationships can often feel emotionally charged and powerful It is often unlikely that intimacy is presentrdquo But what about figuring so much about each other one might question The doc counsels ldquoWhen falling in love we often only reveal the best parts of ourselves or we may divulge our whole life story in two dates This reflects a great desire to experience intimacy without being willing to take the steps required Intimacy requires gradual building of trust and gentle letting go of boundaries this trust develops over time involving vulnerability 4 Sex is good Sex has a lot to do with desire and the compatibility to sate it together Dr Susan Walker evaluates it ldquoTrue intimacy is the experience of knowing another person It is a twoway streetthe more one partner risks trusts and shares the deepest parts of themselves the more the other will reciprocate and intimacy can be builtSex can often be a purely physical act and without the prescience of intimacy between partners can be a very onedimensional experience rdquo 5 You complete me ldquoSometimes partners feel that because they are in a lsquocommittedrsquo relationship and that they are sexually active together their other half should be willing and able to fulfill every want and needrdquo informs Walker Stressing on ldquotrust vulnerability and respect of the otherrdquo is a nodal point she feels Dr Walker also urges one to understand onersquos partnerrsquos boundariesin order to make the partner feel comfortable 6 Gmail password check It is easy to think there is trust when all secrets bank and social media networking passwords and like are known to each other ldquoHaving the need to know everything about your partner is often more about control and insecurity that a desire to develop intimacy Intimacy is about communication becoming aware of your partners needs and fears their insecurities and their strengths and being there to support them and share with them as the relationship develops 7 One is boring You might feel that intimacy is a concept that comes with its own expiry date After all how you can be glued to one person forever On the contrary intimacy is all about building trust and respecting each otherrsquos differences opines Dr Walker Dr Chulani says ldquoChange for change39s sake Or change because one enjoys and likes to innovaterdquo About being sexually involved with one person for life is fruitful ldquoYou can have satisfying and exciting sexual life with the same partner if you use your mind creatively maintain a level of fitness and look to make the encounters differentrdquo Case study 30yearold banker Natasha Shah is unable to comprehend why her 35yearold businessman husband Bhavesh doesn39t talk when there39s an issue between them Whenever they spend their free weekends together she does household chores as Bhavesh doesn39t consider them important enough In bed often therersquos lack of foreplay and she also feels pain which she doesn39t communicate thinking that they are finally getting close Bhavesh mostly withdraws each time he has a problem He feels judged and nagged Sexually Natasha calls him an animal who doesn39t get emotionally involved Names have been changed to protect identities The doc saysgtgt This case study gives us a clear example of how relationships may stagnate and even break down without honest and open communication As mentioned above this is a requisite for the development of true intimacy Without that a relationship can begin to feel like a choreu00a0Intimacy also requires trust and the willingness to be vulnerable which means that the couple will need to take a risk and remove their defenses It often starts with a visit to a counsellor or perhaps an elder they both trust Dr Varkha u00a0Chulani Clinical Psychologist and Psychotherapist Lilavati Hospital Natasha and Bhavesh are aware that things are ldquonot rightrdquo however they do not have the skills to directly address this Bhavesh has chosen to withdraw and try to ignore the issues whilst Natasha rather than honestly share whatrsquos bothering her chooses to mask her disappointment by becoming negative Dr Susan Walker Clinical Psychologist and Psychotherapist This results in the classic ldquo turtle and octopusquot scenariothe more the octopus reaches out albeit negatively the more the turtle retreatsu00a0In this case sex becomes a chore To encourage emotional honesty the couple should be encouraged to use a positive framework for communication gt When youdescribe action for eg leave me to do all the chores gt I feeldescribe emotion for eg sad that wersquore not spending that time together gt Why donrsquot wesuggest an alternative share the onus of the chore and decide to do something together later on u00a0 Use of this formula often works like magic if stuck to meticulously as all blame is removedu00a0Bharat and Natasha would also be encouraged to forgo full sexual intercourse for a few weeks andi nstead give each other individual massages on alternate occasions This removes the pressure of performing and instead encourages each to find out more about the others body focusing on learning more about what pleases them rather than fulfilling their own needs True intimacy can then begin to evolve and sex will again become holistic