5-stars make you feel like an invalid

So Irsquove been travelling and itrsquos workrelated so Irsquove been put up at a bunch of fancy hotels As a representative of my company Irsquom obliged to behave in a manner that is mature and becoming of a responsible adult this is why I now take my shoes off before jumping up and down on the bed I rebel by leaving my socks on though because Rohan Joshi is no corporate stooge Therersquos something about the fivestar hotel experience that is thrilling Everyone loves the idea of a night or five with one night complimentary if yoursquore a Platinum Inner Dungeonmaster Points Member in a fivestar hotel Everyone except that guy from Man vs Wild but I saw him armwrestle a bear and eat raw eggs on TV once so Irsquom not sure his opinion counts for much The fivestars of today arenrsquot the fivestars of my childhood though They were pretty fancy then and now theyrsquove had to evolve with the times and become fancier except Irsquom not sure therersquos any further to go on that front So now they just make up activities and call them lsquoservicersquo For example two days ago I checked into a hotel where everyone was so nice to me so helpful so maddeningly polite that it got a bit weird For starters I wasnrsquot allowed to touch anything When I got out of the car three men rushed up to it and looked stricken when I attempted to open the boot and get my luggage myself When I insisted on carrying my own laptop bag Irsquom pretty certain I saw one of them cry They were so dead set against me carrying things that I started to feel less like a guest and more like an Ebola victim in quarantine Rolling with the times Indian fivestar hotels have only toilet paper in the loo no water Quite a scathing rejection of 4000 years of Indian social evolution Also yoursquore not allowed to just enter a hotel anymore After yoursquore done with security yoursquore subjected to an entire ornate ceremony A woman put a garland of flowers around my neck a tikka on my forehead and then threw rice in my hair It was so religious that I was afraid that ten days later hotel staff would kick my door in and attempt to immerse me into the ocean After Irsquod checked in I was offered another service in which someone lsquoescortedrsquo me all the way to my room I explained to them that I could do that on my own since I have the lifeskills required to complete this arduous process such as reading numbers standing still in an elevator and walking in short confident strides They didnrsquot listen and sent a really nice lady with me who chatted with me the whole way explaining complicated concepts like ldquoSee sir this is our elevatorrdquo and ldquolook This is the door to your roomrdquo Fivestars have also gotten a lot odder when it comes to the layout of their rooms and nowhere is this more evident than the bathroom The next time you go to a fivestar check out the bathroom The good news is you can do it while lying in bed The bad news is that this is because someone has decided that nothing says luxury like a bathroom made entirely of transparent glass walls Who wants a glass bathroom Who thinks to themselves ldquoYou know what would make this morning ablution amazing is if everyone could see merdquo This is India if I want to complete my morning glory in full view of everyone I can do that for free at any local railway track Also one thing Irsquove never understood Indian fivestar hotels have only toilet paper in the loo no water Quite a scathing rejection of 4000 years of Indian social evolution It gets odder when you try and take a shower because at many of these hotels you donrsquot just get hot and cold water taps In one hotel I was faced with a complex array of multiple knobs which had to be turned in conjunction with each other to a precise point otherwise yoursquod get hit with a torrent of water so hot itrsquod scald Satan It was like being in a really hygienic Mensa puzzle So if you run a fivestar herersquos a tip real walls for bathrooms and for the love of god keep it simple Just because you can use an RFID swipe card that reacts only to the DNA from my tongue doesnrsquot mean you have to Because your complicated hotels are making me angry And when I get angry I leave my shoes on Rohan Joshi is a writer and standup comedian who likes reading films and people who do not use the SMS lingo You can also contact him on wwwfacebookcomtherohanjoshi