At the outset, I’d like to congratulate Lance Armstrong. He’s achieved a feat more staggering, and more impossible than all those wins at the Tour De France (French for “If this were a car race, it wouldn’t take three f****ng weeks”).

He’s managed to become the first person in the history of Earth to suicide-bomb his own cancer-survivor halo. If you fight (and beat) terrible maladies like cancer, hepatitis, or that Himesh song that’s been stuck in your head for six days, people tend to cut you some slack in the judgment department, and rightly so.