Hello and welcome to another chapter of my life’s single largest on-going failure: the fight to get fit. Some people are consistent at, and dedicated to, eating right, working out and staying in great shape. I, however, am consistent at and dedicated to failing at these things. On six separate occasions in the last 10 years, I’ve thrown myself into fitness programmes, and on six separate occasions, I have fallen back into a decadent orgy of binge-drinking, zero exercise and the sort of happiness that McDonalds gives away free toys with.

Every workout follows the exact same pattern: from “Ten push-ups? I can totally do that” to “Goodbye limbs. It was nice having you”. Representation pic/Thinkstock