Lindsay Pereira: No, we're not a nation of prudes

Indians watched more pornography in 2015 than the people of Canada Germany France and Russia The only countries that beat us in this dubious pastime were the United States and United Kingdom If this piece of information mdash courtesy a report from PornHub a site officially a billion times more popular than indiagovin official portal of the Government of India mdash comes as a bit of a surprise you are probably a prude or a hypocrite or both In other words you are probably a politician or an employee of the Brihanmumbai Municipal CorporationThe PornHub report says that 25 per cent of porn viewers in India are female Pic for representationThinkstockIf the government of India is to be believed we have no interest in sex whatsoever We are supposedly a chaste vegetarian nonviolent people who have been corrupted by the West to indulge in sex for pleasure eat meat and participate in the occasional riot with our fellow Indians Homosexuality obviously didnrsquot exist before the first Westerner set foot on our shores Neither did foreplay of course Our ancestors didnrsquot even know what oral sex was despite what the sculptors of Khajuraho were obviously forced at swordpoint to make us believePornHub humbly begs to differ with the government of India Apparently the average time spent by Indians per visit on pornographic websites was nine minutes and 30 seconds Americans spent 951 minutes while the British spent 918 minutes In other words we spent more time watching men and women getting it on than our ministers spend discussing something useful in the Lok Sabha every other weekThe report adds that Sunny Leone was the top searched porn star in our country mdash another anomaly considering the prudes we traditionally are A woman taking her kit off is a huge problem for us until she legitimizes it by getting into the movie industry where a prodigious show of cleavage is then perfectly acceptable Women dancing in bikinis are acceptable only on the big screen Outside theatres as our ministers repeatedly inform us women in short skirts are wearing them only because they want to be molestedThese are all interesting facts to throw at the semiliterate gatekeepers who go on about Bharatiya Sanskriti and the corrupting influence of the West These are the people responsible for our collective sexual frustration for condoning covert sexual overtones when it suits them while denying couples the right to kiss in public because it goes against their regressive notion of what constitutes Indian culture These are the people who watch pornography in Parliament please check YouTube for proof then step out and speak to the press about why it shouldnrsquot be allowedHerersquos another interesting piece of information The PornHub report says that 25 per cent of viewers in India are female approximately 2 per cent higher than the worldwide average of 23 per cent It also tells us that Indian men spent much of last year using their mobile phones to surreptitiously search for lsquoIndian Bhabhirsquo lsquoIndian Actressrsquo and lsquoIndian Wifersquo in descending order of importance In other words hypocrisy continued to be a powerful trait even in the relative privacy of our homesOur governmentrsquos approach to sex meanwhile takes the form of plans to impose a complete ban on pornographic websites demands for cuts on kissing scenes and not too long ago a ban on the display of lingerie on mannequins in Bombay from the BMC followed by the demand for a complete ban on the use of female mannequins because they lsquosilently promoted a surge of sex crimesrsquo A BJP corporator actually had this to say to the press when that ban was suggested ldquoLingerie mannequins promote rapes Skimpily clad mannequins can pollute young mindsrdquo It sounds absurd but itrsquos true Google itA few years ago politicians were arguing for a ban on sex education in schools on the grounds that it corrupted the youth and offended lsquoIndian valuesrsquo They also contended that this education may lead to promiscuity experimentation and irresponsible sexual behaviour A former health minister also had a problem with condoms saying that fidelity in marriage was better than advocating the use of condoms And these are the people we elected to power effectively empowering them to do what they thought was best for the rest of us We have only ourselves to blameTo assume Indians have no interest in sex is naiumlve If we werenrsquot taking our pants and saris off as often as we obviously do we wouldnrsquot be among the most populated nations on Earth And Sunny Leone wouldnrsquot be a movie starWhen he isnrsquot ranting about all things Mumbai Lindsay Pereira can be almost sweet He tweets lindsaypereira Send your feedback to mailbagmiddaycom