Like all good Indians, a large part of my sense of self-worth comes from the exams I have given. On average, I still wake up three nights a week in a cold sweat, roused in terror from a nightmare in which I have either missed a paper, or studied for the wrong one. However, as my breathing normalises, I realise that I’m an adult and that means never having to give an Indian exam ever again. So I high-five myself, turn the pillow over to avoid the bit that’s gone cold from drool, and go back to sleep.

However, some of you are at this point either preparing for or sitting through exams. This is a nervous, defining point in a young Indian’s life, so to you I want to say Hahahahahahahahahahasuccckkerrrrrrrsss. I’m sure you have questions about this trying time, so I have prepared a handy guide to help you out.