Of cats and cars

I have over the last few weeks come into possession of two lifechanging pets a car and a cat One is beautiful purrs like a dream and is called Arya Stark The catrsquos nice too but still needs a name Irsquove spent the last few weeks caring for and falling in love with both these things And just like a Disney movie involving pets I have learnt things about myself that have changed my life and brought tears to my eyes like for example that I have cat allergies Irsquove also learnt responsibility For example the car comes with something called lsquopaperworkrsquo which you have to maintain If you donrsquot bad things happen theyrsquore called nakabandis To sort out your paperwork you have to go to the RTO The RTO is a place that people go to after they die if theyrsquove done bad things on Earth like killed people or robbed people or bought tickets to Sajid Khan movies Carnaama Owning a car has responsiblities and it also comes with something called lsquopaperworkrsquo which you have to maintain If you donrsquot bad things happen theyrsquore called nakabandis It is also a place many people go to die because the average waiting period for getting things done at an RTO is ldquoanywhere between bribe to eight yearsrdquo Paperwork consists of a series of documents that prove that the car is yours and it meets all legal requirements One document proves it is nonpolluting and goes in the glovebox One states that it is registered in my name and goes in my wallet The third says ldquoJinesh Jigna Alwayzrdquo and goes on the back of a purple Alto that isnrsquot mine Irsquove also learnt the importance of warmth empathy and companionship Nothing is as beautiful as the feeling of a cat happily asleep on your lap Except Sofia Vergara holding a threecheese pizza with prosciutto and arthichoke hearts My cat and I in just two short weeks have forged a bond Shersquos always excited to see me when I come home She waits for me to eat She sleeps cuddled up next to me If this gets any better Irsquom going to have to do what any selfrespecting Indian man must find her father and beat her in front of him until he evolves into a human earns lots of money and buys me an LED TV already have a car remember as dowry Another thing Irsquove learnt over the last few weeks is patience Because having a car means that sometimes you have to park it Parking in Mumbai is like Sherlyn Choprarsquos dignity there just isnrsquot any It is the ultimate testament to how horrible Mumbai and the entire world has gotten As I miraculously found an empty spot the other day another man drove up trying to claim it When he realised Irsquod taken it he didnrsquot just shrug and drive off He gave me the sort of look that said ldquoI will break into your home tonight and shoot your familyrdquo Not because he hated me but because if he did that Irsquod have to get my car out to take them to the hospital and then he could park in my spot You can also tell when someonersquos been looking for parking for ages because they get that same hungry desperate slightly sad look in their eyes that Marwadi women over a certain age who havenrsquot found a husband usually wear The best thing Irsquove learnt from the cat though is the basic principles of fatherhood the catrsquos taught me the importance of feeding things on time The importance of providing for those yoursquore responsible for Shersquos taught me not to be afraid of pottytraining When I have a child now I shanrsquot fear its daily ablutions Irsquoll just let it relieve itself in a sandbox and then teach it to cover it up with mud Ladies try not to be too turned on by my Parent of the Year skills Men try not to be too threatened by them You too can have parenting skills All you need is a cat and a car Unless your car is a purple Zen with ldquoJinesh Jigna Alwayzrdquo on it In that case ditch the cat A vasectomy should suffice u00a0 Rohan Joshi is a writer and standup comedian who likes reading films and people who do not use the SMS lingo You can also contact him on wwwfacebookcomtherohanjoshi