Of Kumbhs and Popes

Given that itrsquos Valentinersquos week everyone is talking about just one thing Afzal Guru And teddybears holding hearts because nothing says I love you like a freshlysevered vital organ in the hands of a mammal that can swat your head off But given that everyonersquos being all mushy Irsquove decided to go the other way and adopt a strategy that Hollywood calls counterprogramming In fact Irsquom also certain everyone else calls it counterprogramming but everything is cooler when you connect it to Hollywood except Mallika Sherawat Counterprogramming is simple everyone expects theatres to be full of romantic films in a week like this so I release a horror movie to capture the audience thatrsquos sick of romance In summer everyone expects action films so I release a romcom to change things up And in 2014 everyone expects Rahul Gandhi or Narendra Modi to be PM so I move to a place with brighter prospects like Sudan A devotee takes a dip in the Ganges on the occasion of Maha Kumbh mela which attracts a multitude of people PicAFP And so in this season of nauseating love Irsquod like to counterprogram this column with the exact opposite religion This is an exciting time in the world of religion For starters the Maha Kumbh is on For the ignorant the Kumbh mela is a Hindu pilgrimage made once every three years at one of four sacred spots It is the largest gathering of Hindus from all over the world And the Maha kumbh is like the Kumbh but with extra cheese Over three crore people were present on just one day last week Irsquom told it was the most auspicious day for a dip in the Ganga Or Swedish House Mafia were playing The Maha Kumbh is a confluence that attracts a multitude of people Some have strong unshakeable theological beliefs most have DSLRs and no work The Maha Kumbh brings us a variety of colourful images like the one of the seminaked stoned sadhu or the other one of the seminaked stoned sadhu or that other one of twelve seminaked stoned sadhus And these paragons of Hinduism all gather in a dust bowl on the banks of the Ganga for a holy dip I havenrsquot seen that many seminude unwashedlooking people in the same place at the same time since I stopped watching Splitsvilla But people also come to the Maha Kumbh for important spiritual rituals like cleansing purification and dying in pointless stampedes In other religious news the world was stunned this week when Pope Benedict XVI announced that he would be stepping down from the papacy to spend the rest of his days being the subject of the next Dan Brown book While news of the Popersquos resignation is no doubt sad we must be grateful for his stewardship and glittering career And he ends it on a high having scored over a hundred 100rsquos in test cricket and having passed 25000 firstclass runs And while he has cited health concerns as reason for his sudden retirement there is speculation that he will be present at the launch of the next iPad before handing the reins over to Tim Cook XVII Seriously though what happens next Itrsquos simple 118 Cardinals of the church will gather in a conclave to vote on who should be the new Pope rumours suggest he will have HD graphics and a better camera What is important is that five of these cardinals are Indian according to my sources at the Department for Finding Indian Connections To All Major News Stories The cardinals must agree on a candidate by twothird majority vote At this point it is unclear who the next real candidate is Some people say Narendra Modi but other factions insist Nitish Kumar has a chance In my last piece of news in this weekrsquos religious roundup Irsquod like to talk about the holiest event in centuries Manchester United drew 11 against the mighty Real Madrid taking an away goal with them as they go into the next leg at Old Trafford And so in the end all I want to say is David De Gea will you be my Valentine Rohan Joshi is a writer and standup comedian who likes reading films and people who do not use the SMS lingo You can also contact him on wwwfacebookcomtherohanjoshi