Process. Accept. Believe

Shersquod been away a week Home now the first thing that struck her was the new nameplate It announced his name alone She was yet to take a view on it when she was faced with her inlaws In eight years theyrsquod never visited Never accepted her But that wasnrsquot what jarred Things had been moved around And not pointlessly All traces of her were gone ldquoYou were never to marry our sonrdquo said his mother steely eyes even tones Wherersquos he she panicked Repeated calls went unanswered ldquoLeave him alonerdquo commanded mummy ldquoAnd leave our homerdquo Shock had her transfixed Only his father obliged and walked her outIllustration Amit BandreEndings seldom emulate beginnings Beginnings are spring That shade of green that breathes life The hue might vary but the tone is happy Endings are wan Cold Often leave you numb Donrsquot necessarily resonate with you Sometimes make no sense And often no one breaks them down for you He never met her Never explained why Not in the months that followed Not when she silently signed the papersClosure We always seek it in the other Fruitless endeavour Closure comes from withinThe pain is temporary It goes away Whatrsquos permanent is the loss And even as you grapple with it never mind that itrsquos been coming for years the finality hits now Now when it ends My ending hit me hard So much so I ran away All the way to New York Distance is a great healer I lost myself in Manhattan Irsquod walk all day a blank slate There was much to deal with but the mind chose emptiness and I obliged In hindsight it was therapeutic I wasnrsquot ready to deep dive For now I was merely coping Coping without words anger or even despairThe time to talk comes too And itrsquos best to start by talking to you Only when you do after as long as you are the revelations come out in bursts Instances of undealtwithgrief that have been neatly stacked over the years explode one by one Theyrsquoll hurt more than anything yoursquove ever encountered Also yoursquoll hurt more now than when you actually went through with whatever it is that you stacked away Because then you needed to get it over with And now you need to deal with it Review it Accept it And then let go of itLetting go itrsquos that answer thatrsquos always eluded For resolutions we believe involve returns Inflows Not this time Zen awaits in the column across outflow In letting go Accept your story and then let go Let go of those stacks of grief Let go of the emotions attached Let go of the beginning And let go of the endHeart breaks As sure as love As sure of the duality that is life Down must follow up Heat follows cold And sorrow follows joy The search is always for happiness And yet pain is guaranteed Acceptance is Eden Mistake it not for a despondent swallow Acceptance is not compromise Not bitterness Nor disillusionment But tranquilityFor when it comes that happy acceptance follows a warm detachment and in turn belief Belief that while something important has ended much remains to be harnessed Belief in the bigger plan and in our limited vision Belief in the self and in finding the answers within and not withoutBe warned though belief is doubleedged They often ask me why What was the trigger Why did it end when it did Truth is Irsquom a fine actor So sublime I had me fooled It was always wrong But I was in denial and blissfully so No it was not lack of selfworth Thatrsquos curable It was undiagnosed selfbelief What kept me in the marriage was I Rather I as I perceive meI do not fail And to quit for the selfassured is to accept failure An alien ideology Wersquod rather die trying than give up And yet swallow the bitter pill Say it loud ldquoI cannot make this workrdquo Dump the subtext The rationale The body copy The headline reads I quit Quit then and never mind that it erodes your selfimage For there is no trigger only acceptance of failure and course correctionIn the early days I used to unconsciously put it such ldquoWhat happenedrdquo theyrsquod gently empathise I failed Irsquod say Slowly I forgave myself And learnt that itrsquos okay to failIt liberated meNupur Mahajan is a sum of many parts Ideas are her business even as her creative streak sees her straddle television advertising publishing radio and brands Reach her at nupurmahajanicloudcom The views expressed in this column are the individualrsquos and donrsquot represent those of the paper