“I’m surprised you’re not singing the new Beatles song, ‘Now And Then’... it’s all over the news.”
Illustration/Uday Mohite
Lobo Lobo was humming a familiar tune, his extreme “besoora-ness” making it difficult for me to identify the song.
But then he moved to the familiar terrain of the lyrics,
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“I can’t get no satisfaction, cause I try, and I try, and I try, I can’t get no, no satisfaction…”
“Why are you singing Rolling Stones, Lobo Lobo?”
“Arrey Dikuna men… Mick Jagger came to Kolkata na… he jammed wid dat pop dame… Usha Utup…so it got me grooving…”
“I’m surprised you’re not singing the new Beatles song, ‘Now And Then’... it’s all over the news.”
“Arrey, wot new Beatles song men, dey been ‘over’ now for 50 years… wot difference it makes if dat Lennon bloke sings from over de grave…”
“How can you be so disrespectful of the Fab Four?”
“Arrey, men nutting personal, but I’m not so much a fan of dem Beatles, foe me it’s always been dose ageless Rolling Stones chappies!”
“But just think, Theo, through Artificial Intelligence, they’ve been able to separate John Lennon’s voice with the piano! In 1978, he and McCartney wrote the song, and they’ve released it in 2023!”
“Arre all bunkus, men, gimme de real ting, dese Stones boys, dey just keep going, dat Keit Richards bugger is so old, but he is still rocking widout AI!”
“But Lobo Lobo aren’t you fascinated with all the new technology?” I persisted
“Arre wot new tech men… Artificial Intelligence was created wid damn good intentions, but it’s being used for all bleddy feku-giri, all misuse,” Lobo Lobo said cynically.
“Has AI been used against you?”
“Arre Dikuna men, don’t ask. My bro-in-law’s bro-in-law, his good name is Aesop Andrade—he’s a musician, plays at all dese weddings and private parties—he has written one original number called Crack Jack Crack Jack Karate Chop. Some bugger has taken de tune and added some seetar and flude through AI and renamed it Mere Sapnon Ki Swag Rani . He’s claiming ownership!” “Hmmmm, this is all quite dangerous… like the Rashmika Mandanna Deepfake video!”
“How you can tek one person’s face and plonk put it on anudder? We had de same problem in our building—my Myrtle, my better half, she is one deadly cook—she makes de best East Indian and Manglorean dishes, all recipes handed down from her mudder and grandmudder and great grandmudder and so on and so forth… problem is all de udder catering ladies and cooks and chefs… solid ‘J’ dey are of my Myrtle!”
“’J?” I asked, “What’s J?”
“Arrey ‘J’ stands for ‘jealous’ men—my wife’s some dishes, are world class in Virar, her Trotters curry, her Fish Pulimunchi, her yellow poke vindaloo… heaven men. But her one main enemy, one khadoos lady, Celeste Clementine Carvalho, looks like dat Bianca Castafiore in Tintin comics, lives on same floor as us, she doesn’t has my Myrtles ‘touch’ —Myrtle gives on-line classes on cooking, so Celeste’s son Blasco, made one video… he took my Myrtles body and ‘chaapoed’ it on his mudder Celestes’s ‘thopda’. If you go to Insta, you’ll see dis Celeste dames face, my Myrtle’s body, and dey have altered my wife’s voice to sound like bleddy dat lady. Uffff… how dey can shamelessly change Myrtles voice and ‘thopda’?”
“Thopda? What’s thopda,” I asked.
“Arre face men, ‘thopda means ‘face’... you don’t know dese words or wot, and you call yourself a Bombayite… anyways, I have to go men.”
“Where you headed, Lobo Lobo?”
“I’m going to watch de final of de World Cup, one man in particular.”
“Who?”
“Arrey, Mohammed Shami… the man with the best AI.”
“Best AI, meaning?” I asked.
“Amazing In-swing… he’s totally AI men!”
“Totally AI meaning?” I asked.
“Awesome Individual,” he said, “I hope he makes it AI?”
“AI?” I asked
“Advantage India!” Lobo Lobo concluded.
Rahul daCunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahul.dacunha@mid-day.com
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