Dating: To be friendly with someone

Now securely in my mid30s Ive become less obsessed with the semantic specifics of the word date I want to steal it away from heteronormative and sexual lexicons To date has a certain connotation of a state of being To be dating someone involves the performance of certain courtship ritualsMy mother often used the term to be friendly with which in retrospect has a delicate ambiguity about it which I now prefer To go on a date in popular culture can sufficiently connote both dread and excitement frustration and despair Theres the fear of putting oneself out there of attempting to get to know someone while allowing them to gauge aspects of your personalityLast evening we revisited Picchio the lovely bar in Bolzano where the man I married recently had taken me for drinks after our first dinner date in Eppan It was a peculiar evening Neither of us had known for sure that we were on a date We had met a week before after an art event near the residency I was at and wed ended up having a great conversation It was spontaneous easy and what I remember most was the quality of his attention He listened to me talk as if each word that came from my mouth was pure gold It was not something I was used to being listened to by a man with so much eagerness and then having him respond to me with the appropriate amount of humour like he got meWhen we were at Picchio on our first date wed spent the two hours there seated on the bench outside We spoke with so much ease I hesitated to finish my second glass of Lagrein because I was afraid our date would be over if I did I wanted to drag itI could see he was tired Hed spent the whole day labouring in an apple field But I was leaving Italy in two days Id probably never see him again and Id always wonder what could have been Nothing happened that night Not even a kiss We were both too cowardly to make a move I had been warned by our mutual friend in fact that he was not the kind of person who made a moveAnd yet it was perhaps the most perfect date Id ever had in my life A year and a few months later I married himWeve been to Picchio only twice since our first time We went last night to remind ourselves I think of the beautiful chemistry that exists between us We were both trying to come to terms with the uncertainty and instability that has been characteristic of our life together Marrying each other like Id once said was a way of unsettling Every now and then it can get really frightening to realise that we have no plan We have no idea where we will base our lives Its exhilarating often but because its counterintuitive to what weve been conditioned to pursue mdash a relatively planned lifeSince the first week of October when I arrived in South Tyrol in Tramin his village Ive been inexplicably happy I continue to maintain my feminist rage against patriarchal systems I continue to write controversially but I have to confess its possible that Ive never been happier Its very difficult to point out exactly whyIve been living in a town where you could count the number of people who speak English and yet I have found myself no longer being anxious about making conversation about attempting to find ways to get people to like me I find that it is easier to just be I never thought I would find so much comfort and joy in living with inlaws I never actually ever imagined having inlaws in the proper legal sense And now I have inherited this big family full of amazing generous kind people mdash and all are amazing cooksSince this morning I feel like Ive been on a date with my fatherinlaw Weve roadtripped from Tramin to Munich and I feel like Im getting to know him even better oneonone just like a few weeks ago I felt like I got closer to my partners Aunt Monika and to my fatherinlaws sister when I accompanied her to forage for rose hipsSometimes I think I have the best fatherinlaw in the world Maybe Ill reserve another column to wax eloquent about what thats like and what it means to suddenly have another father For now though Ill get back to my dateDeliberating on the life and times of Everywoman Rosalyn DMello is a reputable art critic and the author of A Handbook For My Lover She tweets RosaParxSend your feedback tomailbagmiddaycomThe views expressed in this column are the individuals and dont represent those of the paperCatch up on all the latest Mumbai news crime news current affairs and also a complete guide on Mumbai from food to things to do and events across the city here Also download the new midday Android and iOS apps to get latest updates