“Some people think I did it for the approval ratings, others feel I did it for the oil, sure — but that’s only half of it.”
Illustration/Uday Mohite
Donald Trump and Melania were on a date night.
“Ah Mel… I got my Venezuelan dude, we were in and out of Caracas, in no time, and he and the missus have been popped into a US jail — unprecedented, audacious, sure. Bush Jr got Saddam in ’91, and Barack snatched Bin Laden, but this one, you gotta admit… pin-point precision — wow, wohoooo. My fans say that Operation Absolute Resolve will be one of my legacies, I beg to differ. I have many more coups, planned, far more daring and box office worthy. This was just the test run, next one I will have a camera crew. Then a series for Netflix, ‘Trump — Live and Dangerous?” he smiled to himself.
“Some people think I did it for the approval ratings, others feel I did it for the oil, sure — but that’s only half of it.”
“So why did you do it Donnie?” Melania asked.
“Because I can, I’m the man, I’m the King of the World, I’m President of the US of A, I rule the universe, I’m the ultimate badass, everyone’s scared shitless of me, they’re thinking, ‘who’s Trump going to go after now, who’s next on the kidnap list?’ — see I’ve found the formula. Pick a country with a tyrannical leader/ tyrant/despot/ dictator — but their country must have something I deeply want, like uranium, gold, silver, diamonds — or something that you desire.”
“Like what?” she asked.
“I know you adore porcelain, or Reticulated Python bags or just precious animals. Like take Persia, or I-ran — known for its Persian Cats. Supreme Leader Ayatollah Khameini is a dictator and there’s terrible unrest in Iran, protests, strikes, all across the country. So I’m gonna get our guys to fly into Teheran, capture ‘ol Khameini, airlift him straight into prison — meanwhile we grab a bunch of the most unique Persian cats — and call it Operation Meow Meow.”
Trump took a contemplative pause.
“See Venezuela, Colombia, even Greenland, which is mine for the taking, are small fry. I want to go after the Big Daddys. If I kidnap even one of them, that’ll be a game changer.”
“Are you planning to go into Israel?” Melania asked.
“No, no, I’m planning to buy Israel. Benjie Netanyahu and I have been chatting on FaceTime, I can buy Israel and then lease it out to him. I’m also keen to usurp the Gaza Strip and build my villas and my high end casinos.”
“What about India?” she asked.
“You mean fly into New Delhi, in my Apache helicopter and grab Mr Modi. Ummm difficult,…. man travels so much, don’t know where he is at any point of time.
No no, my next stop is China. It irks me that Chinese President Xi Jinping gets an unlimited term in office, while I get only four years. Also he has a significant ‘personality cult’, I want his status.
China is going to be dumbstruck by this, plus I love authentic Chinese food. Peking Duck, yummmm, so let’s ruffle China now, Operation Chicken Chow Mein, is what I’ll call it.”
“So what is your final stop?” asked Mrs Trump, “Who do you want to capture most?”
“What do you think? Vlad. I gotta get Vladimr and put in him in in handcuffs. Man wouldn’t that be ossum, we send the troops in by night, it would be impossible to get into the Kremlin, so our intelligence agencies will find a time when he’s on his ranch. Get him, I win — see what he couldn’t do in Ukraine, I’ve done effortlessly in Venezuela.
Now tell me, my dear, what do you desire most?” he asked.
“Donnie I want us to have a private zoo, full of lions and tigers and gorillas, and zebras and giraffes and baboons and hippos and kingfishers… can you make it happen?”
“Hmmmmm interesting. I’ll need to go after one of the African strongmen/dictators, the lowest hanging fruit is William Ruto. He’s unpopular, corrupt and Kenya is unhappy — let me get him out of Nairobi. while I get a team to go into Masai Maara and get all the animals and birds.”
“Donnie, love your plan, what will you call the operation?”
“I will call it ‘Operation Hippo Hippo Hooray’,” he concluded.
Rahul daCunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, filmmaker and traveller. Reach him at rahul.dacunha@mid-day.com
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