I’m going to let you go now

No one knew about Zoom until Covid19 burst on the scene Certainly no one knew that this video teleconferencing app had been around since 2012 when its beta version was launched By May 2013 Zoom had a mere million users Peanuts really but everyone preferred SkypeCut to March 2020 the month we all met the virus Zoom was downloaded 213 million times in just one day By April they had more than 300 million daily meeting participants The companyrsquos profits went up 4000 per cent during the pandemic and because of it For some reason it paid zero taxesThere are several reasons why I have become a reluctant admirer of Zoom but the main one is that it gives one person the ability to mute everyone else in the conversation This is something every one of us secretly longs to do but have never been able to do in our real world prepandemic preZoom social lives As a result having a decent conversation always feels like herding cats In a word out of control and doomed to failureYoursquoll hear a lull followed by Aur kya ho raha hai or a prolonged ldquoSooooomdashrdquo both sure signs that the tank is empty and the conversation is headed straight to hellAnd thatrsquos with just two people Imagine that conversation with a dozen talking heads Who talks next Who decides who talks next What will they talk about What if they talk about something else How do you interrupt What happens if someone is talking horse manure Wouldnrsquot it be wonderful if we could just mute the whole lot of losers by pressing a single buttonWith Zoom you can You can also tell people when exactly a conversation will end While it is going on you can mute the whole rowdy bunch except of course the speaker who may also be mercilessly muted if he doesnrsquot know when to zip itNeedless to say therersquos a good question hidden heremdashwhen two or more people talk are all of them equally happy with the conversationAdam Mastroianni Harvard scholar and a cohort of scienceminded buddies decided to study conversationsmdashhow they start unfold and endmdashand released their results in March this year They conducted two studies of 932 conversations asking conversants when they had wanted the yadayada to end and when they thought their partner had wanted it to endThe resultsmdashhardly any conversation ended when both speakers wanted it to or even when one of them wanted it to Actual conversations went on for nearly twice as long as either speaker wanted It was all about politeness No one wanted to continue nattering after the other person had lost interest or stop while the other person was rivetedWith everyone pretending to look really fascinated by what the other person was saying no one knew when to stopThere are plenty of documented ways to end conversations The rudest aremdash1 Ask where the bathroom is and leave as though yoursquore ready to burst2 Jangle your car keys continuously and loudly3 Say ldquoAre we done here Can I go nowrdquoOr you could do it like Zoom does I strongly feel that postpandemic conversations could be much improved by taking a few tips from Zoom even if it means stepping out of your usual playpen1 Pass a note while the other guy is talking Who says you canrsquot Side chats through direct messaging are de rigueur on Zoom Pass a scribbled note to whoever yoursquore talking with while hersquos talking with Irsquom outta here when this minute ends Just sayinrsquo2 Set an end time Yes even if itrsquos just someone you bumped into As soon as they start talking pass them a chit saying This chitchat ends 1023 sharp You got 4 minutes3 Carry cutout hands Hand them out before you start the conversation stating clearly that no one can open their mouth unless they put their hand up first and are asked to speak4 Use noise cancellation If anyone speaks too long stick your Apple AirPods in your ears and start humming loudly As you walk awayIf after doing all this you feel some tension and aggression building up towards you donrsquot hesitate to take a cue from the red Zoom button which lets you lsquoEnd Meeting for Yoursquo or lsquoEnd Meeting for Allrsquo In real life with no red button to press this is best done by making it seem like the other person is in a hurry rather than youSay clearly ldquoIrsquom going to let you go nowrdquoWalk away briskly trying not to look as if yoursquore running for your lifeHere viewed from there C Y Gopinath in Bangkok throws unique light and shadows on Mumbai the city that raised him You can reach him at cygopigmailcomSend your feedback to mailbagmiddaycomThe views expressed in this column are the individualrsquos and donrsquot represent those of the paper