The only sign of intelligence in a politician is well-maintained facial hair. Sceptics may laugh this sentence out of any room, but history has repeatedly shown us that men (always men) with well-groomed, glossy beards or moustaches are the only ones qualified to be leaders and icons. If a leader’s beard is white, it is further proof that not only is the gentleman learned, but also old enough to know that the world has no more secrets from him. It is proof that we are in the presence of someone Godlike. To not grasp this is to condemn our country to failure.

Let me try and explain. My examples may not be as interesting as I would like them to be, but I blame this solely on the fact that I do not have a beautiful beard. As exhibit A, I present Adolf Hitler. He may have been reviled for many things, such as the massacre of a few million human beings, but what we fail to acknowledge in our haste to condemn him is that even his most vociferous opponent would have found it hard to find fault with his finely-trimmed moustache.