"What men, Dikuna, but I haven't taken a plane in my life. So wot diff it makes to me, men? Anyway forget dat, wot a year it's been, no?"
Illustration/Uday Mohite
So, Lobo Lobo came to my house singing a desi Christmas carol: "Dashing through Metro work, with one leg in a ditch, it's no fun going through Mumbai, life is such a b**ch…" "Lobo Lobo, that Metro, once it's completed, you can take the train straight to the airport. Just think how convenient that will be." "What men, Dikuna, but I haven't taken a plane in my life. So wot diff it makes to me, men? Anyway forget dat, wot a year it's been, no?"
"Yes, how do you feel 2018 went, Lobo Lobo?" I began, hoping for some back and forth chatter on the significant events of the year. "Myrtle and myself just saw some fillums men. We are Friday-first-day-first-show buffs men. Wot, men, Shah Rukh playing a dwarf. Total zero dat film, chhe, but dat Ranveer Singh is socko men, in dat Simmba, total damaal. Wot a year he's enjoying, men. Fust dey had all dat tension wid de release of Padmaavat, den he got married to dat Deepika lady — DeepVeer it seems dey are called. Real year it was for celebrity shaadis men. Also NickyAnka.
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Everywhere dat PeeCee goes, she looks like she's fully in luw, men. Den dere was the Ambani and Piramal wedding, where Peddar Road came to a standstill for three days, men. Can't understand when Saina Nehwal got married to Kashyap, why no one called dem, SaiYap or KashAina or SaKash? Maybe dese joint names are reserved only for Bollywood? Talking about Saina, solid year it was for our baddie ladies. PV Sindhu also, too good dey are, so proud dey made de country.
"Den dat Naseeruddin Shah actor men, saying all dose tings about his children not being safe, and de nasty trolls, no udder kaam danda dey have men, saying, 'Hey, he should go to blinking Pakistan because he is Muslim.' Arre, wot men, so if I were to tweet, 'My children Cindy and Leo are not safe here', wot dose blighters will say to me on Twitter, go to Portugal or wot? Chhe. Really men, wot dese idiots were doing before Twitter came on de scene, I wonder, bleddy darpoks, come out, aaao maidan mein, speak face to face, na?" I tried to interject, but Lobo Lobo was off and running.
"2018 was also a 'winking' year. Everyone was winking dis year, men. Fust when Mr Pappu hugged Mr NaMo in Parliament, and den winked to his supporters, as if to say, 'Chalo men, let's go and win Chhattisgarh, Rajasthan and Madhya Pradesh' — dat became a big ting. And den dat young lady, Priya Varrier, winked at a boy in dat YouTube video, and social media went crazy. Wot dumb peoples we have become. Takes nutting for sumting to become an internet sensation. Wot times we live in, no Dikuna? Arre, men, if I were to wink at some random lady on YouTube, dey would say I am a predator in de #MeToo movement. Chhe." And wid dat, Lobo Lobo left to think about Metro and #MeToo
Rahul da Cunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahuldacunha62@gmail.com
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