Lobo Lobo and the jab

The other day the doorbell rang and in front of me stood an old man with a crutchldquoYes may I help yourdquo I asked himThe old man looked at me his mouth quiveringldquoUhm hello do I know yourdquo I asked this wrinkled octogenarianThe old man looked back at me then burst out laughingldquoDonrsquot recognise me or wot Dikuna menrdquoldquoLobo Lobo is that youhellip why are you uhm looking so oldrdquo I askedldquoArrey Donrsquot take tension men Dis is not really me I am in disguise rdquoldquoSo who are you trying to be What are you hiding fromrdquoldquoDikuna men of course itrsquos me But dis is me wid makeup Old peepuls makeuprdquo said Lobo Lobo entering my house He took off his wig similar to the kind of grey painted mops worn by characters in Ramsay brothers horror flicksldquoWhere did you get all thisrdquo I asked astonishedldquoArrey We have a Maganlal Dresswallatype shop in Virar It has all dese wigs men and my daughter has begun to do professional makeup so she made me look like 80 years oldrdquoldquoBut why have you done all thisrdquo I enquiredldquoSee Dikuna men I know I look young much much younger dan my 51 years I have not done any botox or nip tuck or plastic surgery to retain dese looks menrdquoldquoBut why oh why are you trying to look like an old manrdquoLobo Loborsquos voice lowered to a whisper he looked around furtivelyldquoDikuna men donrsquot tell to anybody I want to go for a vaccination A COVID vaccine Dat whacyioucall Covaxin But de minimum age is 60 years old na And even den dey are prioritising aged people So I tought if I make myself look really old den I can slip into de queue and get de COVID jab Good idea nordquoldquoDo you by any chance have any of the comorbititiesrdquo I enquiredldquoCo whatrdquo Lobo Lobo asked confusedldquoComorbitiesrdquo I reiteratedldquoNo men No serious health issues See Dikuna men Donrsquot take tension See lemme explain Dis whachyoucll CoWin app for de Covaxin vaccine isnrsquot de only one being used men Dere are udders unofficial vaccines not tested not world famous not 100 per cent reliable Dey may work but you have to be prepared menrdquoldquoPrepared for whatrdquoldquoFor uhm certain sideeffectsrdquoldquoSide effects Tell me about some of these unofficial vaccines and their corresponding side effectsrdquoldquoOkay Dikuna men So fust of all dere is de CowMoo vaccinerdquoldquoThe CowMoo vaccine Sounds scaryrdquoldquoSee Dis is a strain of de vaccine used on cows If you take it dere is a 55 per cent chance you could develop a lsquomooingrsquo sound plus grow a pair of horns Den dere is a variant of CowMoo called CowSwayrdquoldquoKhao Swey like the Burmese dishrdquo I askedldquoNo men Spelt CowSwey Here de only worry is you will have de same lsquomooingrsquo sound but de vet warns you you may grow a tail which keeps swaying back and forth Hence de name CowSway Dere are many uddersrdquoldquoSo which vaccine have you decided to take Lobo LobordquoldquoSee men Dikuna It is a vaccine dat protects me against all bad tings men Against hate and bigotry and kitpit from my wife and de smell of methi dat comes from my neighbour Champak Solankirsquos kitchen Dis is a very powerful vaccine You get immune from everyting men It is also freely available Dikuna menrdquoldquoWhat is it called and where do you get it Lobo LobordquoldquoThe vaccine is called Coutto Feni and I buy it from Carvalho Wines from down de roadrdquo he concludedRahul daCunha is an adman theatre directorplaywright photographer and traveller Reach him at rahuldacunhamiddaycom