Lobo Lobo votes

“Why do you ask Lobo Lobo?” I enquired.

“See men… during dis BMC elections espeechely, I have all kinds of ‘janjat’, I go to vote, my name is not on de rolls, even when I show my Aadar card, still men, o foe, all dees candidate blighters come and see me — trou de whole last week, one after anudder dey are ringing my doorbell. One fellow came dressed up in wedding clodes wid full baaraat tings, I tought so is he getting married only. Anudder guy tolded me dat he is concerned about de environment, he will be growing many trees and saplings in Virar. I tolded him, bindaas, ‘You bleddy sow dese seeds, dese trees will g  row in tirty years, how it’ll help me. I’ll be under de ground in a coffin, I’ll see de roots!’

One udder blighter, I tolded him straight to straight, are you going to solve AQI? Yes, he said. Will you repair de roads? Yes, he says. Wot about clean water? Haan haann, he said, ‘mera symbol is a water purifier’. ‘Wot you’ll purify all de water in Virar?’ One dame came, her name was Lydia Thereas Santos, she tolded me her symbol is a comb. Wot lady, you’re going to comb my hair o what? Dis uddr fellow, Bengali chappie, Tapan da Chakrawarthy, his election symbol is a harmonium. Wot is his plan to come every morning and play de blessed musical instruments to calm me down?

Dikuna men wot wot symbols all dese independent peepuls are keeping men, one fellow has an iron, wot he’ll do he’ll press my shirts? Anudder has a water heater, he’ll toh heat my bath water o wot? One chap came wid a vacuum cleaner… he’ll clean my house and my carpets and curtains?

Why can’t one candidate come with an air purifier? Arrey men, I can’t breathe anymore in de city, all dis pollution, all day redevelopment. One fellow came wid his symbol as lock and key, arre dat bugger should be behind bars and the key should be thrown away, so much a harami he is, one chappe his symbol is dat western hat, like dat John Wayne used to wear. One moe ladis came, she had a nail cutter. i’m tinking wot she will give me an my Myrtle? A manicure and pedicure? How she’ll be able to address all de issues facing out Mumbai men?  

See all dis Mahayuti Mahayuti — all dese fallows care about is seats. What about de Maha Youth — none of dese duffers have addressed one tig for de young people. All dese uncles… giving gyaan, giving gaalis, de builders, babus, , ‘all bakwaas’ men, tell me, de average Gen Alpha, Gen Z… wot he/she has to look forward to. Every time I tell my rascal Ronaldo, dat good for nuttin son, and Cindy Cindrella, my dotter, flies for Akasa Air, she wears a mask all de time, eider de AQI gets her, or de redevelopment ka dust. De udder day she missed her flight, because de bus dat picks dem all up, got late, traffic jam, terrible roads, how to tell dem about what a city we used to be. Bombay my beloved… dey say, ‘Dad forget about your nostalgia, we can’t wait to get out of de city’. Cindy is hoping to move to one foreign airline and move out of de country, and dat Ronnie my son, evin he wants to ‘’Need to bounce bro, out of dis hellhole’. Just tink, Dikuna men, bugger calls me ‘bro’. 

So dere it is BMC elections, ‘Bombay Mess and Chaos’ elecshuns, I call it. Dey are selling us useless promises, dis chappie who comes wid his election symbol, as a fan, is he going to bring in a breath of fresh air?”

Lobo Lobo took a pause. 

“Finally men, you heard na, there is a PADU machine, that is a back up to the EVM, to make sure counting process is correct. PADU… how much will dey tink Mumbaikars will be fooled? It’s like dey believe PADU stands for ‘People Are Duffers & Uluuus’. Chalo, I’m off Dikuna men,” he concluded.

Rahul daCunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, filmmaker and traveller. Reach him at rahul.dacunha@mid-day.com

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